So.... I'm Adopted Podcast!
This podcast creates a space for genuine conversations about adoption, where emotions are acknowledged, journeys are reconciled, and a healthy acceptance of truths is fostered. Delve into the impact of adoption on all parties involved, gaining insights from adoptees, adoptive parents, biological parents, as well as professional psychologists and social workers. Explore the realities, reconciliation processes, and ongoing dynamics of adoption.
So.... I'm Adopted Podcast!
The Selfless Sister: Adopting Siblings After Tragedy
Saran T. Baker never imagined that at 24, fresh out of college with her first job, she would suddenly become the adoptive parent to her younger siblings after her mother's tragic death. Yet somewhere deep inside, she always knew this would be her path.
Growing up in what she candidly describes as the "hell home," Saran developed an early determination to one day provide her siblings with the safety and stability she never had. When her mother's fatal car accident made this a sudden reality, she navigated the complex interstate adoption process between Florida and Maryland, all while grieving and trying to build her own adult life.
"I inherited a hot mess," Saran shares with striking honesty, describing children already carrying the weight of trauma, abuse, and abandonment. Without a parenting model to follow, she cobbled together approaches by watching others and relying on prayer. When her five-year-old sister asked to call her "mom" after a difficult day at kindergarten, Saran agreed—only to find herself hiding in closets, overwhelmed by a title she never experienced in a healthy way herself.
Music by Curtis Rodgers IG @itsjustcurtis
Produce and Edited by Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Johnnie Underwood
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Welcome to the so I'm Adopted podcast, where we talk everything adoption. This journey is not one we take alone. Together we grapple with raw emotions that surface from adoption stories. We want you to be comfortable enough to heal, so sit back and go with us on this journey as we dive deep into adoption.
Speaker 2:Go on, Okay go ahead.
Speaker 1:Welcome to another episode of so I'm Adopted, I'm John and I'm Lisa, and we are both Adopted. And again we want to thank you. Hit that like that share button, let somebody know. Hopefully this is not your first time and if it is, we welcome you. We're excited that you took some time to join us and this platform came about. We wanted to just create a space to talk about non-traditional relationships and, lisa, again I always give you credit for being consistent. We need to create somewhere to tell our story and do this. And a year later.
Speaker 2:A year later.
Speaker 1:We are here. We are here.
Speaker 2:We're still moving forward.
Speaker 1:Still moving forward.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of people out there who want to share their stories?
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and it has just taken legs and grown more than I think either one of us understood. But we're not going to belabor the point, we're going to just jump right in, like we always do. So you want to introduce our guest for the day?
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:So we have today. Her name is Saran T Baker, a transformative coach and a speaker based in Maryland, focuses on empowering women, wealth creator and a professional through financial education. Drawing from her background in marketing and organization, development and human resource management, Sarans navigates audience through financial planning intricacies, covering budgets, retirement strategies, insurance options and debt management. Her commitment to community service is evident in her advocacy for financial empowerment among youth and women, showcasing her dedication to universal financial well-being. With dynamic speaking skills, saran makes financial accessibility engaging, motivating audiences forward towards actionable steps for financial freedom. Her influence extends to community work and dedication to her financial empowerment, offering not only advice but a pathway to prosperity. So if you want to connect with her or book her for an engagement, just visit her at coveredbysarancom, but I know her as my cousin, so let's bring her on in, let's get it, let's have a conversation. She has a powerful story.
Speaker 1:She has a story too. That's why she's here she might have just given us a different angle on your story.
Speaker 2:I didn't know I get that. She has her own. She stands on her own, on her own. Hey, lisa and John, how are you Good? We are good. We are good. We are so excited that you had you know you were willing to come on the show and share your story, because your story is unique in twofold.
Speaker 1:So let's go. Let's not waste time. I'm excited. That's the joke being unique and twofold. Let's go. Let's not waste time. I'm excited. Let's jump in. Let's get this double dust rolling.
Speaker 2:Let's get it. I was telling my other friends. I was like I'm excited and I'm nervous because I talk on podcasts all the time but I never talk about this.
Speaker 1:I can relate with the nervous. When we started the first episode it was like wait a minute, we really talking about this and since it was Lisa's idea, I made sure she went first so that she can jump in the water and test how hot it was. But this is a welcoming space, a safe space, so please let's go.
Speaker 2:So please, in your own words, however you want to share, tell us how did you acquire adopting your siblings? Well, it's kind of a long story, but I will say this I am the oldest of eight by birth from my mom, and I'm my dad's only child, which is the side of the family I'm on with you, and I always knew as a kid that I was going to be taking care of my siblings. And so, unfortunately, when I was 24, about six months right after graduating college, my mom was killed in a tragic car accident and to later have to adopt a few of my siblings because, when she passed, only of the eight, only three of us were adults over the age of 18. And it is twofold because I didn't take all of the kids. My aunt took some of the kids and I had some of the kids, and so, at 24, I became a parent of a five-year-old, a 10-year-old.
Speaker 2:I didn't know what I was doing Fresh out of college. Fresh out of college had my fresh little $32,000 a year job. I was doing it right, until I added daycare to that $32,000. Yeah, and then I wasn't doing it Right. So that's the short version of it, if you will. And the kids themselves had, unfortunately, had already been in foster care for a variety of different reasons, so that's why I had to actually adopt them instead of just becoming their guardian.
Speaker 2:So 30 second time out, let's go ahead and jump straight in, because you said you always knew that you would be Talk to me about that statement always knew that you would be Talk to me about that statement, so I always knew that I would care for my siblings, just because my mom had a challenging life. And as an adult now I see things so differently, right, I was looking at a picture a few weeks ago of me and her when I was one, and the Holy Spirit said your mother was 17 and you were one, and she's out here with a kid. And because her mom died when she was like a year before I was born, she was without a mom, and so my mom really struggled with a lot of things and, by virtue of being the oldest child, I got the joy of going through all of that with her as a child, right, and I say joy very tongue in cheek, right. And so I went through a lot of the difficulties, the trials and the errors and the things that she was trying out in life and unfortunately, as you know, a older baby boomer and parent to a Gen Xer coming through the 60s and 70s and growing up in New York and the South Bronx, and all that where she grew up I grew up in Queens. She, you know, was exposed to a lot of different things that weren't the norm. And so she was making it big on the illegal side of the world in her mind, got it Right and I was going along with her somehow Right.
Speaker 2:And as a kid growing up, I always knew I didn't want to live with my mom and I was always trying to get away. I was, I was that kid to her. Like you said, your mom, I'm fine, sure why I'm here. I need to go. I'm going to my granddaddy house, I'm going to my guy. I'm going where I felt like I knew was home right. And as I got older and she continued to build her family, I was like I gotta go get my siblings because if it's anything like it was when I was there, I gotta go get them.
Speaker 2:And I remember this one Christmas I was 16 and I was at my godmother's house and it was my godmother and my aunt, who technically her daughter, but she was old, so we just called her my aunt or whatever and she was there and I said, yeah, you know what, when I graduate, I'm going to go get my siblings, I'm going to go, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that. And I remember getting chastised so harshly Like you especially, like you can't take care of anybody else. Who do you think you are? You're not going to do anything, um, and I remember leaving and crying and thinking you don't know me like you think you do. I'm going to get my siblings. I'm just not going to talk about it, no more. And but I didn't know that it was going to take a tragic car accident for me to have to, for that to be the catalyst to step in and go and seek guardianship. And when I tell you they took me through the process right.
Speaker 2:At the time, I had to learn the interstate compact process, which, if you don't know, that's the foster care system's way to transfer children between states, and it's complicated. Pause, where were they? They were in Florida, oh, okay.
Speaker 1:They were in.
Speaker 2:Florida because I had just graduated college. I had moved to Maryland from going to college in Virginia, so I was in Maryland. So I had just graduated college. I had moved to Maryland from going to college in Virginia, so I was in Maryland. So I had to navigate the state of Maryland's foster care adoption system and the state of Florida's foster care adoption system simultaneously to get the children transferred to me. And that took from the time my mother passed in December of 1998 until August of 1999.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:It took about nine months. So basically a pregnancy, oh my gosh, yeah, yeah. So it was a tough time, but I wouldn't trade it. Wow, wow, wow, wow.
Speaker 2:So when you knew, once your mom had passed, I mean, did you emotionally go through a process of? Or you just because you had already known when you were younger that you were going to take care of your siblings, or was it a time that you had to process it and say, oh my gosh, I have to take care of them? It was instant, it was instant. It was instant Because you know you make declarations and you forget about them, because you're like, especially, you say I'm not going to talk to anybody about it. You know what, I won't do this, I ain't going to talk about this, no more, I'm going to follow the plan that they said. They said you know what, you need to go to college and say, well, you know what, I'm gonna go to college, I'm gonna figure out what that is, and went to school, had a great time and did all that, and so now it's kind of like a little bit out of my, out of my sphere or my mindset.
Speaker 2:Um, and the week before, but the week before my mother had passed, I told her. I said, hey, I'm about to get another, I'm about to get my own place Because, you know, I had a new job so I was staying with the family. I was actually staying with cousin Michelle for a couple of months Until I got my apartment. And so I was about to get my apartment I said, hey, why don't you let my youngest sister at the time I said she was like maybe four, four-ish I said, hey, why don't you let her come stay with me for a couple of months? And that was my way of telling my mom, like you're not doing a good job raising these kids and I'm coming to get her right. And I was like, just let her visit. You know, she's not in school yet, let's you know, just figure that out.
Speaker 2:And that was exactly seven days before she passed away in the car accident and she did say yes. At the time she she took a deep breath because at first she said, well, she can come and visit. And I said, well, I'm thinking a little bit longer, what do you think about that? And she said, she sighed and she said maybe that is a good idea, she should come with you. And I said, okay, and that was literally our last conversation. Really, yeah, wow, wow.
Speaker 2:So what was it about you not allowing them? When you were younger? You didn't really want them in the foster care. Can you speak to that part? I mean, is there a reason why? Because I know you mentioned something about your going to live with your grandfather. So it was not necessarily foster care. It was because I had lived with my mother for a time. Okay, and it was, it is no other word to use it. It was hell at times and sometimes it was amazing, and then it was hell again and then it was you know it just, and I actually described, because I talked about it a little bit in an anthology I contributed to. I called it the hell home and I was always trying to get away from that hell home and I thought to myself, well if I was trying to get away. Maybe they're trying to get away and they're looking for somewhere that they can feel safe, love, protected and cared for. I'm their older sister. I'm willing to do that Right.
Speaker 2:I also had a delusional view of children. I thought they raised themselves. Now walk with me here. I am a Gen X person and you know we've been fending for ourselves for a long time, and so in my mind, I just need to make sure they have somewhere to stay and put some food in the refrigerator. They'll figure the rest out, they'll get themselves to school, they'll do their homework. They don't need. All I got to do is provide a safe space. This was my delusion becoming a parent, because that was all I had been provided. I wasn't parented, and as a woman turning 50, I find myself spending a lot of time just reparenting myself. I got to figure out how to reparent the part of me that never was parented, and so when I got the kids and it turned out they needed way more stuff, I was like throwing for a loop. I was like, oh snap, you mean I gotta pick you up from daycare. You don't just walk home by yourself. I got to pay for this too. Like I have to cook too, like you don't feed yourself.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I really like the first couple of weeks was really like in a spin because I had done all those things for myself since the time I was able to stand at a stove. And here are these kids who have no clue, because they're in a whole different generation than I'm in right, because I'm 19 years older than the youngest. I'm like, oh, I have to figure out how to parent. And that was more of a challenge because I had never been parented. I didn't know what to do, and so I found myself, like most people, in a quandary in church trying to figure it out, and I said, well, let me just see what these people in church are doing, let me ask some questions.
Speaker 2:You know, I didn't want to look like the dumb person who's a dumb person with kids, right? So I just kind of looked and saw what other people were doing and tried to you know, duplicate it ask some questions. And then I sat down I said, well, who are the people that I, you know, who are my friends, parents that I grew up with? Like, what did they do? What would they do? And just kind of recall, I saw other people received as parenting and I was winging. It when I tell you I was winging it. I was winging it, I was making it up. It was on two prayers and two pennies thrown to the wind wow.
Speaker 1:So I have a question with everything that you had prior to already being prepared mentally to some degree, that this was going to be the assignment, did you find that, once that nine month incubation period took place, of you getting them and then they were with you, was it a level of trauma for them transitioning? Well and I shouldn't even ask because there is trauma with the passing of the mom but just what else did you observe in that transition that you learned? Like what did you inherit? That's a better question.
Speaker 2:I inherited a hot mess, inherited children who had already been abused, traumatized, abandoned to some level physically, mentally, spiritually abused Children who didn't really have a sense of the sanity or the sanctity of a peaceful home or peaceful space. Uh, at the same time, I'm grieving the loss of my mom in my own way, because we did not have a um relationship that was positive, okay, and so my grief level was more anger, and it was more. You know how could you just go, and you know why did you create this mess? For someone else to clean up? And how are we going to get these kids back to balance or baseline or to a place where they can become productive citizens? And I was angry for a very long time, to the point of it impacting me and hurting me. We don't talk about as much as we should the anger that we hold for someone else, how it torments us.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And how it takes away from who we are and the heaviness that it creates in your heart, in your mind, that doesn't allow you to move forward and to be and do and have all the things that God has allowed you to see and allowed you to be able to have access to and allowed you to be able to have the opportunity and doors open and do different things. And in that sense I did my best to, as they say, not bleed all over them, if you will, with my stories of my mom and my, you know, traumatic experiences and things like that. And in recent years some of my siblings have said to me we wish you would have told us some of those stories and I said they were too painful for me to recall. And I said they were too painful for me to recall and I didn't want to pass on those stories in such a painful way to cause you to see her differently, because your experience with her was much different than mine.
Speaker 1:So that was going to be my next question. Did they have animosity towards you or what was their thought? Since you had been separate, been separated out, how did they view you? Did they view you as thank you for what you've done? Did they view you as who do you think you are like? What was their approach?
Speaker 2:um, it was a lot of. Who do you think you are? It really was, and a lot of it has come as we've gotten older, as they're adults now, them expressing the um, the, what's the word I want to use? The twofoldness of you, not my mama, but you did everything for me that a mother would do, and I didn't ask you to come be my mama, but you did everything for me that a mother would do. And I didn't ask you to come be my mama, but you did do all the things that a mama would do, but you didn't do a good enough job, because if my mom was here, she would, and I'm thinking, nah, she wasn't going to do none of that, but I didn't want to take away their pipe dreams, right, it's their hope that mom would, mom could and my mom like, yeah, nah, that's not what was about to happen.
Speaker 1:I've seen this Lifetime movie. I know what it looks like.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm like, yeah, nah, and it it's an emotional thing and it's tough for everyone involved because, as children and you can relate to this you know from the perspective of what we're talking about. So I'm adopted. We didn't ask anybody to do what they did for us, whether they adopted us or came in, stepped in or whatever it is they did for us. Whether they adopted us or they came and stepped in or whatever it is they did, we didn't ask you to do that. And so there is a sense of who are you to think that you were the one that was supposed to do this for me? Where's the persons? Where's the mom and the dad that did birth me? They're the ones who were doing it. And and so you know, in every story there's a villain, there's a hero and there's a guy and it's easy to become the villain in that story because nobody's going to make themselves the villain, they're the hero, or they make the parent, the absent parent, the hero in some type of way. You know, it's really kind of looking at the story and understanding that some of the things that we make up in our minds as children, as young adults, that it's not real. It's not the real thing. It was our big emotions telling the story about what was happening. But it might not have really been what was happening, and so I don't hold any uh regrets.
Speaker 2:If I were the, if this were 25, well, I'll be 50 years, so it's only 25, 26 years this year. If it were 25 years, turn back. 26 years, turn back. I do the same thing again and I do it every time. Given the option, I do it differently, but I would do it again. I'd do it differently, but I would do it again. And because that's just true to who I am, and I would allow for more opportunity for them to maybe see more of who I was, because I held back so much of who I was as a person and who I was as a daughter to our mother, because I couldn't handle the pain, so I didn't think anyone else could and so I refused to allow someone else to try to carry the burden I couldn't figure out for myself.
Speaker 2:And in that timeframe of really trying to figure it out, the last five years have been very transformative for me, because when COVID started and I had to find a way to heal myself and to heal my relationship with my mother in the spirit realm because it was holding me back, it was eating me alive and had I not taken the time to go on the journey, I don't know where I would be today, because it was that imploding and that acidic inside of my mind and my body that it was really just taking hold of me to a point where I couldn't function. Wow, wow. I would have never been able to articulate anything like this years ago or hurtful way, because I see my mother differently now, as I took the time to reparent myself and I took the time to see her as a human being, having a human experience and going through her own journey, and I just so happened to be along for the ride because I decided I wanted to pop out September 21st 1975. You know what I'm saying and as I hold space for her here still being alive and she not being here, and I hold um that I now speak about anything that comes up that I feel like I need to share about her in the most loving way that I can, because I have so much forgiveness for her and I have so much compassion and understanding for a woman who was battling her own challenges I don't like to use the word demons her own challenges, her own internal loss. She lost her mom.
Speaker 2:You know she was growing up with my grandfather, with you know who was a man's man? You know he was a man's man and I love him dearly, but he was just a man's man. Everything was just cut and dry. Just is what it is. You got food, you got clothes, you got a house, what else you need. And as I hold that space and I hold that space for my siblings too and I watch as they matriculate the world I'm cautious not to hold a space of judgment for any of them, for wherever they are in their lives, we're all navigating something or some pain or some loss.
Speaker 2:And we may be at a place where we're handling it well and maybe at a place where we feel like we're drowning in quicksand. And a person drowning in quicksand is scratching and clawing and grabbing at everything that they can and pulling it down with them to save themselves can, and pulling it down with them to save themselves. And for that, how do you hold anger and resentment for someone who's just trying to save themselves? And it's not necessarily meant to hurt you or bring you down, it really is. I need help and I don't know how to help myself. So let me just lash out at everything close to me and in that, in that time frame, you know how to even be, to be the best at it.
Speaker 2:Well, I feel like, and that people say, oh, you did a great job, you did this, you did that, and I feel like I did the best job I could do with the resources I had available and the knowledge I knew how to use Right. Had I had more resources, more knowledge and more access, I could have done better, right. And it doesn't mean I did bad, it's just that I know what I was missing, right, right, and other people don't know. Well, now y'all know, because you go out. I was going to ask you what support did you have Because you're support did you have because you're, you're 24, you're just starting your adult life and now you have children. So what was your support like?
Speaker 2:Because, again, you said their experience with their mother was different than your experience. Now, I'm not sure if they can recall their experience being a positive one, or they were really young and they didn't really see what was going on in their life. But, based on what you were saying, they went through a lot of trauma. But maybe they didn't think they were going through trauma, right, right, what if it was more of? They didn't think they were going through challenges. They thought that they were in the best situation, they were where they need to be.
Speaker 2:It really is the thing of. You know, if you take the three me, my mom, them it really was, it's really more of. I'm the villain in the story and she's the hero, because they glamorize what they do remember about it and they're guiding themselves through this story, thinking, yeah, because my mom was this, my mom was that, she did this, she did that, and I'm thinking I ain't gonna have him bro. Yeah, no, I was dead. That's not. People only remember the good. You know, they right you kind of, if you go through some type of dramatic situation, you can block it out, right, and so they remember all the good and I remembered all the bad right?
Speaker 1:so you said that the youngest was 19 years. It's a 19 year difference, right? Yes, yes, what's the age difference in the oldest?
Speaker 2:I'm the oldest.
Speaker 1:So the next one is 19 years.
Speaker 2:So the next one, my younger brother, is two and a half years younger than me. Okay, so he was already grown. And then my other sister is. She's five years behind me, and then six and seven and eight, then 19. So it was like a huge gap.
Speaker 1:Got it. So what was the narrative of your story that had been presented to them? Was there a narrative or anything?
Speaker 2:I don't really know, but I know that the family that was around would always just say you know that's. You know your sister, she'll take care of you. Just you know, do what you know your sister, she'll take care of you. Just you know, do what she says. But it really became mom, right, because the youngest she had just turned five when I got her and I remember her first day home from kindergarten and she came home crying and she's like everybody at school has a mom but me. And I was like you do. She's like, but my mom's dead. I'm the only one without a mom and I and like she was like having this thing. And I was like and she was like, well, why can't I just call you mom? And I said are you sure that's what you want to do now? This is a five-year-old, so I'm the five-year-old, right, like you know. So I said to her I said listen, because I don't want confusion. I know what you need. I am going to take care of you as best I can. I am going to be a mother figure in your life. If you feel comfortable that you want to call me mom, then you can call me mom, but what I do want to do is I want you to choose one and not go back and forth, so that you can have, so that you can feel some confidence in what you, you know the life that you're living now.
Speaker 2:My, my brother, who was like 10 or 12 he was. He was like nah, he was just like it's gone and whatever, all right, whatever I get it. He was like nah, he was just like sure, it's gone, all right, whatever I get it. And because she was so much younger, she wanted to call me mom and that felt like the biggest mistake I had ever made in my life, really, because it turned into an episode of Family Guy where she was just like mom, mom, mother, mother, mom, mama, mama, mom. And I can remember hiding in my walk-in closet in this apartment that I lived in, like hiding from her, because I just couldn't take it, like I was like just stop saying it. Now, remember, I grew up without a mom, so now I just agreed to a child to call me mom and I'm like what kind of Satanism is this that you just created? What kind of Satanism is?
Speaker 1:this that you just created. When you were telling the initial story, it sounded like she was all ready. You weren't ready for that commitment of the title, mom.
Speaker 2:You were like wait a minute, are you sure? I was like this has to be the most torturing thing you could have done to yourself. But I mean, after a while you know it worked itself out. But in the beginning I can remember hiding. I can see myself right now sitting in that closet Like I hope she doesn't find me.
Speaker 2:I hope she falls asleep looking for me because I can't do it, I can't mom today, but I mean we have fun moments, right. It just is what it is. It happens in all families. And so we had an interesting family, I think and you asked the question about support. So, because I was in a new area here in Maryland, because I grew up in New York with the college community and I moved to Maryland, so I had support. I had support on my dad's side, I had our cousin Michelle and our friend and they helped.
Speaker 2:And then I joined a church and I went to get support and the funny thing is, the first time I went to meet with the young adult pastor because I didn't really talk about it he's like so where's the kid's dad? Like you know how old were you when you had? You know you had this, I'm this kid and I got a 10, 11-year-old and a 6-year-old and so the assumption is obviously she just had kids early and I looked at him. I said you know these illegally adopted children and he said what I said I don't know who their daddy is, their sister, and he was like, oh, but the way he said it was judgmental, the way he came across was kind of like oh, here we go, another single mom don't know what she's doing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like bro, no, actually I came in here because I can't sleep at night and I need help, I need some spiritual help.
Speaker 2:And after we kind of got over that hurdle, he, you know, offered me some help. I was like, can we get out of? Like in my mind, like can we get out of the judgment box? And you help me, right. And so after we were able to do, you know, get over that hurdle, it became easy and you know, and church became a safe place because I could drop the kids off on Friday for two hours. Go hide out in the McDonald's parking lot by myself, nobody's calling me mom. Yes, ma'am, go hide out in the McDonald's parking lot by myself, nobody's calling me mom. Eat some fries in private, you know, sometimes you're going to eat your own fries.
Speaker 2:That part, but it was an interesting journey to you know. Behold, it was a blessing. It was tough, it was really tough, and yet, at the same time, it is something that is a cornerstone of who I am and who I become, and allowed me to be so much more in the world, right so and I don't know.
Speaker 1:Maybe I should have asked prior to did you have any additional children?
Speaker 2:and I say this because you didn't legally adopt, so you're are mom no, I did not have any children of my own um, I haven't gotten married yet, but I will I was going to ask, because of the dynamics of adopting the children did that have an impact on you establishing your or a an additional family parts relationships? Yeah, partially. I actually had to end the relationship right in the middle of it because he told me that he would not support me adopting the kids oh, wow and I told him that I would not choose him over them Got it.
Speaker 2:So it was a difficult time all around, right, do you think over the years, that has been a challenge with relationships as well. Oh yeah, nobody want no extra kids and they got extra extra reasons to have kids. It's just complicated's just complicated. Right now I'm just like you want to see me my dog. She's a very nice dog. It's way simpler than oh. I got some legally adopted kids that happen to be my siblings, because my mom was in a tragic car accident and uh yeah, yeah, a tragic car accident and yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I can understand that. Yeah, that could be challenging. Yes, so, as of today, how are your siblings? Everybody's on their own. Everybody's grown. The youngest is now 31. And so each have established themselves lives, their own family, their own homes. Sorry, my phone rang their own homes.
Speaker 1:And so it's amazing.
Speaker 2:Does she stay home with mom? Yeah, okay, but now that she's an adult it's a little less, which is fine.
Speaker 1:Okay, do you see the impact of their growing up situations generalized into their families? What we've learned is that sometimes, when the adoption or the trauma, people go extreme one way or extreme the other way, have you seen any types of repercussions or results or benefits or anything?
Speaker 2:I think it depends Right. And one of my, my middle sister, she just moved to Maryland a few years ago. She has an amazing four-year-old son and she is an amazing mom and so I've had the pleasure of watching her with her son and I see like, oh, we didn't miss the mark. Like you picked up some stuff, like you got this, and she's actually a licensed social worker now, okay, and that was her thing. She went and got a actually a licensed social worker now okay, and that that was her thing. She went and got a master's in social work and that's what she does and I see it and I love it. And then I have other siblings who, uh, they still live in florida and they have their whole families and they're doing an amazing job. You know, I have one niece. She's at college in florida now. And you know another one. You know several that are. I probably have like 15 nieces. Like everybody had kids except me and I'm cool with it. I just like. I'm like just call me auntie and let me do rich auntie stuff.
Speaker 1:There you go, living your best life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, um, I had the pleasure of being a part of my nephew's life my brother, my, my second youngest sibling, my brother, his son and he's an amazing kid. He's turning 21 this year and it just brings me a lot of joy to see them. I have a sister in New York who is amazing and creative. He does all kinds of things, and she has a son who's eight years old and he calls me on FaceTime because he's a man's man. I'm here to talk to you about something. Okay, what are we talking about?
Speaker 1:So let me ask you this question, and I applaud the transparency and the growth that you had when you said, you know, with the space for your mom and that. So for those who are wrestling with repairing that relationship with a sibling who I mean with a parent who is no longer here what type of words of encouragement or just advice you can give of starting that journey, because there are a lot of people that don't have the strength to be able to go into that space. So talk to me a little bit about if you, if you remember how you were able to initiate that journey.
Speaker 2:I know exactly how I did it and I don't often share it, and this will be the first time I've ever shared it on video and what I did was I took the time and it was COVID, so I was home and so what I did was I set up an altar and I put out some water, a plant, um lit a incense, and every day I made pancakes, bacon and eggs and coffee, and I sat it on the altar and I said a prayer and you know I said something like you know. Thank you to all the ancestors and family who come before me, thank you for protecting me, thank you, god, for being in my life and for surrounding and protecting me and show me what it is that I need and bring the light or the healing that I need. And you know something simple. So, whatever you know, you can say whatever you feel led to say. And every day I did this I get up, set up my computer for work and it was sitting right next to my computer and I make these pancakes and just put them up there, and I change them every day, and when I went to bed I would just and I put her picture on it because I was focused on her and as it sat there, I probably did that for maybe a month and after about a month I had the most amazing spiritual experience I had ever had in my life and I was in a dream and she came to me in the dream. Now, mind you, I'll, I'll rewind.
Speaker 2:My mother had been trying to come to me spiritually for years, in different ways. Um, when Aunt Pearl was passing, we had a elder Aunt Pearl. You know, they say when the elders are passing, naturally they can see into the spirit realm and speak, you know, speak on both sides. And she would say your mom was just here. I'm like my mama wasn't here because she did, and she was like, well, she's, I'm not trying to hear. I wasn't trying to hear it. So now I'm intentionally going seeking this spiritual connection, intentionally going seeking this connect, the spiritual connection.
Speaker 2:And so I remember it was a, it was hot, it was a July summer night and I was sleeping and I remember being in the fetal position in the dream and when I became aware of the dream because you can be in a sleep state and become aware that you're awake in a dream she was holding me in that fetal position and she took her hand and put it on my chest right here, and she pushed it. And as she pushed me, I felt my body move. But as I felt my body move, I saw this huge ball of light just go go into my body and she said here's the love that you thought I didn't have. And she just kept pushing me and just kept doing it. She just kept doing it and she kept squeezing me and holding me and it felt like an eternity, but it didn't feel like enough time.
Speaker 2:At the same time, and as I went through that process, in that um dream and in that spiritual experience because it wasn't just a dream, it was, it was the experience and as I went through that, I said I woke up in tears, and but they weren't painful tears, they were tears of joy. They were tears of joy. There were tears of I didn't know I needed my mother to say that to me. There were tears of I didn't know that I needed the love of my mother. The way I did once. I received what I didn't even say I was looking for. I didn't know how the healing was going to come.
Speaker 2:I set up this ancestor altar just on a whim, in a prayer, because somebody said, hey, you know, if you set up an ancestor altar, you know it's a way to stay connected to you, know God, and to stay connected to your ancestors too. And I was like, all right, yeah, I'm, I'm gonna try, whatever. Yeah, I'm sitting at home doing nothing and I wonder, and I and I really subconsciously said I want to figure out what it is what can I do with my mom? If you're saying that, hey, this is a way to connect spiritually with your ancestors? Well, I'm gonna connect with my mom because I need, we need to have a conversation. And it wasn't a two-way conversation, it wasn't she didn't. It was like I'm here, I got you, I've always had you, I did, you didn't know, but you know, I'm proud of you and it was all the things we seek and we want to hear from someone that loves us and someone that cares, and for someone to just say I see you and I feel your pain and I don't want you to be in pain because of me.
Speaker 2:And I'm thankful for being introduced to it, because it really just allowed me to feel free, a freedom that I had not found through any other path to God, a freedom that allowed me to really be able to speak my truth, because I didn't have to be churchy, if you will, to have this experience. I didn't have to have the perfect, polished prayer with the right beginning and end. I didn't have to do any of that, I just said whatever I wanted. I literally, some days, put the pancakes out. I was like I hope you're going to come on here and talk to me, because how long is it going to take? Work this out. Some days I wouldn't even say anything, I just put it down and I'm like whatever. You know, when we get to the point, well, this ain't working. I'm just wasting pancake mix, but I got a Costco bag, so I'll just keep doing it. But it just allowed me the freedom to be and to be a spiritual being, having a human experience, and take whatever path it was that was going to lead me to the divine that I needed.
Speaker 2:Wow, and it's interesting that it happened during COVID, because everybody has their views on on that time period of our lives you, you had to go through that experience at that time because it stopped you from doing I just know you, you're like everywhere, right, right, she's doing something. And for you to have to have sat still in all these years. It happened at that moment and at that time that's only, but you know god's divine order of when it was time for you to heal that wound that has been lingering for so long. And the kids were gone. They were still there. You know them grown people didn't leave until they was 30. 28, 29.
Speaker 1:They were there, so they saw the altar and they knew everything that you were doing as well.
Speaker 2:No, they didn't know what I was doing. They didn't know what I was doing. Sometimes my nephew would come eat the pancakes he would run out of his and be'm just you know.
Speaker 2:So it wasn't, and it wasn't a big deal, because when you do an altar, um, a divine altar, that's meant to honor the ancestors, or to honor god, or even, to you know, to honor jesus or whatever your, your path is a lot of different religions call it something different. They do different things with it. It you know, it's said that if your pets come and eat it, just consider that the spirit come and eat whatever you gave. Or if one of your family members come, just consider that, you know, passing through the spiritual realm in the way that they decided to consume it. So it wasn't like it was a big deal.
Speaker 2:One time I lit it on fire by accident with the candle, but that's again. Energy is saying, hey, the energy is flowing around, you know, because our ancestors are still with us. We're just not on the same frequency as they are and they're not in a body anymore, and so it was just kind of the process of going. They had no idea what I was doing. I didn't share with anyone what I was doing, what I was trying to get done, because it was my journey and I wasn't trying to necessarily take anyone else on it with me. It was my journey. As they say, it was my hero's journey. I was being a hero in my life, and I was using the altar as a guide to get to where I thought my villain existed, so that I could resolve it, and so there was nobody else a part of it, it was just that's me.
Speaker 2:Told her she had a powerful story.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, you, yeah, that was yeah. The thing that is just so powerful for me is the we're able to see on the other side of the equation.
Speaker 1:The feeling that you put forth and where you are now, the peace that you carry, and you know spirit, recognized spirit, just that even in you, sharing the story as traumatic as it is, the level of peace that you carry now, people that may not even have had a as traumatic experience in their lives don't carry that peace that you carry. So that is just exciting and I'm thankful to even experience it. It gives hope to other individuals to say that you can experience peace. You can make it through whatever you're going through, if you put the work in, you took the hardship and you were consistent. That's one thing that I think we missed the mark on, because we're not consistent with things.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We'll start with that.
Speaker 2:And I was going to say, and I did all, and after I had the experience with my mom, I did, I went and I spent some time working on my family tree and I found pictures of every family member that I could find, if I knew them or not, and I just put them up and even now I have like a little grandmother table at my house where all any grandmother I had a picture of grandmother, great grandmother, great, great grandmother, grandmother figure. I just had their picture up because I want to feel connected to them all the time. I have one for my grandfathers. You know, if I have a picture and I have my mom's picture up and even in you know, having that, having that space and while I'm not actively, like lighting a candle because I'm running around back in the streets doing stuff, so I'm not having that focus, spiritual time, but knowing, walking through life, knowing, um, while you may live in a space where you're not connected to a lot of people or you did, I didn't create my own family or different things like that I am always surrounded by family 24 hours a day when I'm awake and when I'm not awake, because they are there in the spirit realm waiting for me to say I need you or making a way for me when I don't know that they are making a way or their prayers are being answered.
Speaker 2:And I have one picture of me with my great-great-grandmother as a baby. She's holding me and I don't remember meeting her because she passed before I was able to cognitively know her. But I know that I can look at that picture and say my great grandmother prayed for me, right and the, the god that we serve, has given us access to them. He hasn't cut us off from it because he's a savior or someone is Buddhist or someone is Muslim and they have Allah or whatever. They haven't cut those. Our God, the God that we serve, in whatever religious sect you follow, hasn't cut you off from the most spiritual and powerful group of beings in the world, and those are your ancestors and the people who have come before you who have a vested interest in your success and your wellbeing and you becoming amazing at whatever it is you're doing, because we're creating generation after generation that can be better and better and better. And so we have that power if we tap, tap into it, and even in the healing process with my mom.
Speaker 2:Now I'm in a great place with my mom, but now I gotta repair all the damage I did to myself, right and so in that, and that's hard to admit, because you do the damage to yourself, because you're angry at this one, you're angry at that one, or you're mad this happened, or you didn't have this, or you didn't have that, or this didn't go quite the way that I wanted it to go, or this one, you know, left me behind or left me out, or didn't do this, all the things right. And so I spend time working on me and that's the reparenting. And so I spend time working on me and that's the reparenting, because now that I've healed and forgiven, now I have to heal and forgive myself all the things that I have torn myself up and hurt other people too in the process. Now I've got to apologize to them. You know what no-transcript.
Speaker 2:But you know, and that's one of the things too, and even you know, part of my journey now is when I go places, I carry pictures of my younger selves with me and I take pictures of me with that younger self to say, look, this is where you are now, like whatever you thought wasn't going to happen. Look where you are, like you're in Costa Rica, you're in Cancun, you're speaking on stage, you're doing a podcast, you're doing this. You're doing that to remind my inner child, because we always that those inner children still live within us and we're constantly either affirming or abandoning that younger self all the time. And we have to decide. Do we want to affirm that younger Saran, that little Lisa, that little John, or do we want to continue to abandon them? And when you decide that you want to affirm that younger person, you got to figure out what's the affirmation they need. Where's the pain? How do I say this is good, this is okay, so I.
Speaker 1:I didn't ask you to drop the mic, but you just like mic drop. You just was like, yeah, I'm done here, you go take it. But uh, that you know we always enter these, these sessions, and it's so therapeutic not knowing what's going to be the outcome. I needed this confirmation more than I knew. I needed it Just like I said, even as you're talking in the piece that you're carrying and to hear the journey. It is affirmation, but it's also therapeutic and it gives a different level of hope and I know that's going to be infectious to others who hear it. You just come in and completely taking this podcast by storm.
Speaker 2:Well, you know what? And I haven't arrived yet. And I want to be clear I have not arrived. I haven't arrived at my destination. My goal is my heart so light as a feather, that so so light that it's as light as a feather, so that there's nothing that can hold me back, um, entering the pearly gates. I don't have any pain, I don't have any grudges, I don't have any pain, I don't have any grudges, I don't have any ill will or forgotten this or forgotten that, or you know animosity or she should have. You know the stuff that we had and and I just you know I work on it daily and some days are good days.
Speaker 2:You know, about three days ago, I wasn't having a good day and I had to you know reparent myself and I had to take my hand and tap myself on the chest and say you're right, you got this, you're loved, you're here. This is temporary. This is not what you think it is. You are worthy because God put you here and I had to do that until I felt the light come back inside me. Because when you grow up without your parents right, because we didn't talk about that a lot I did not grow up with my parents and then I became a parent and the one thing I don't talk to my dad about is the fact that I grew up without him as much because it breaks his heart because he wasn't able to get to me. Right, he didn't have access to me because my mother wouldn't make me available to him. He was living in New York, she was living in Florida. It wasn't on cell phones, it was only pay phones.
Speaker 2:We moved every three months and didn't know where I was, and the only connection he had to me was he called my grandfather every Sunday to see if my mom had called, to see if we were okay. And so I rarely have these conversations with him because I don't want to break his heart for something he had no control over. And yet still going through my own pain and my own trauma and my own levels of abandonment and my own questions about where were these people at? They're supposed to be doing this stuff, my own questions about where were these people at? I was supposed to be doing this stuff, but do you think that you should have? You know, give your dad the opportunity, because you don't know what he needs to heal from. Well, we've talked about, we've talked about it enough. Okay, so we haven't not talked about it. And I think, like during that time, I did call him him and I think I was very upset one day and I called him and he's like we have an amazing relationship, like when I finally was at touch base and I was with my grandfather and I was in a good place and he was going to come get me to live with him and I refused to go and I refused to go because I had been tumbled around so much and had all these things happen and my mother had told me 50, 11 people was my daddy. I want to show this is my daddy, but this dude just showing back up Maybe he is the one, but I'm not going to go with him, right? And so he allowed me to stay with my grandfather.
Speaker 2:Um, and I remember the day because the court system in New York had to, my dad had to sign over his legal rights. And I remember the day because the court system in New York, my dad, had to sign over his legal rights. And I remember him saying are you sure you want me to sign these papers? I said I'm not going with you, so sign the papers. I'm staying with my grandfather. And he signed the papers, reluctantly.
Speaker 2:Obviously it wasn't that clear. I was 12, so I said some 12 year old response about it, right, and he signed the papers and but he didn't leave. He didn't like disappear. He was still on my phone every day, every Sunday, dragging me to see my grandmother at the top of the world in the Bronx and show up and just just being an amazing dad, if I ever, if I can say I ever had a stalker, I say it was my dad in a good way, right, and so that part about him was so amazing that he just always was there.
Speaker 2:He always made himself available. Even, you know, when you're a funky teenager and you don't want to talk, he would get on the phone. He would just talk. Yeah, it's like he had a little time. We talked for at least 15, 20 minutes a week. He just talked. He'd be like you got anything? Sad I'm like no, and you know the phone was on the wall so it's not like I can go anywhere so I'm tied to the kitchen. Oh, I got to talk, but he kept that connection. He kept building it. He never stopped seeking me, he never stopped being present. He never stopped making sure that I knew that he loved me and that he cared and that he was not going anywhere and he was a part of my life and I was a part of his and I needed to just answer the phone a second now when you said that he had to sign over his rights.
Speaker 2:So did you, did your grandfather adopt you or were you considered in a system? We were, yeah, we were considered. We were in kinship, what they call kinship foster care, because my mother was not able to take care of us and at the time she didn't Same thing about our dads, but of course my dad was around, so he was always there and they would would have to, you know, go with my dad. And I refused, like as an adult, I'm like, what if I would have went Like? What if I would have went Like? Would that be?
Speaker 1:cooler, I don't know, but the fact that you, even though you said I'm not going with you, you still allowed him a level of access.
Speaker 2:Well, I had a choice, because him and my grandfathers would be at FAPS.
Speaker 2:Oh okay, all the time that he spent just talking to my grandfather trying to find me, my grandfather would be like, hold on, here's the phone. He would give him the phone and he would stand there and make sure I stayed on the phone. Good, that's awesome. And so it wasn't. You know this or that it was. Yeah, well, I'm going to keep the kids, but I'm going to make sure you are her dad and you want to be in her life. I'm going to make sure that that's there. So, but we've had enough conversations and my dad is amazing.
Speaker 2:He's about to be 70, soon and yeah, and he, in two years he'll be 70, but he just, he always lets me know when he can't handle it anymore. He'll say, daughter, I can't handle it because he was going through his own thing trying to figure out where's his daughter. I created, right and you know. And then, and then, if I tell him the things that I too many of the things that I experienced, I had to overcome, or things happen, it just I don't want to put him in a place of sadness and so we have that respect for one another. He doesn't ask me things he doesn't really want the answers to and I don't offer things that he may not be able to handle. Well, tell me this how did he feel that you, you know, you went and took, you know got your siblings? What was his thought process or how did he feel about that when?
Speaker 2:he tried to talk me out of it, not because he didn't care about the kids, but he was because he was worried about me, gotcha. So he'd be like, are you sure? Uh, maybe maybe me and my wife can go and get you know your sister. I'm like, no, it's not your job, it's mine. And he say, but what do you mean? I said, no, it's my, it's my job to do this, it's not your job to do this.
Speaker 2:And so he let me, and he, he helped me so much during the during that time, um, so financially, mentally, uh, guiding me do different things. And so that was always. That has always been a blessing to me, to just have a strong dad who listened, and the salesperson in him. He would never give me the answer, sister. He'd say what do you think you should do? And I come up with all these options. And he said, well, that's a lot of options, what do you think is the most viable? And then I would say it and he said, okay, I actually agree with that. And well, he said I disagree, or whatever. And then we work out the plan and he let would say it, and he said, okay, I actually agree with that. And or he said I disagree or whatever, and then we work out the plan and he let go execute it. He allowed me to maintain my independence, wow, yeah, so this, this has been this has been awesome.
Speaker 2:How can people, um, you know, connect with you? So you can connect with me on all the platforms, right? I'm on instagram, the real saran baker. I'm on facebook, saran baker, or covered by saran. My website is covered by saran and I have a tiktok. I don't quite know what I'm doing with it, but you could just look for Saran Baker, because I just be throwing stuff up there. Tomorrow might be a recipe, who knows?
Speaker 2:But my focus in life has become. My purpose has become to empower women with their finances so that they can create the life that they want to live. And part of the reason I do that is because there were times when I didn't have and times when I did. And when I did have, I didn't even know how to create a great life with it. I didn't know how to create joy. I didn't know how to create a space where I could enjoy and be present in what I had accomplished. And then, when I did, and then, and then, you again, it's like how did I end up here? It's like, cause you didn't have the gratitude and the thankfulness and the joy associated when you had it. So God said you don't need it, cause you're not even rejoicing in what you have accomplished with the gifts I gave you. And so I learned to be joyous in all the places and have gratitude for the good, the bad, the ugly, and really just try not to define things so quickly and let things unfold over time, even when it may seem like it's bad. Let me just let this unfold. I don't know if this is good or bad yet.
Speaker 2:So you know, for me allowing myself to assist other women who are in the journey of accomplishing and earning and not quite knowing what to do with it, and then, if they have, you know, some of the spiritual blocks and things like that, I put the resources around them to do it. Now I don't try to counsel them because that's not my gift. Right, I can counsel me, but I got other people who you know will step in and help, but really just helping us move forward, because we never really have a money problem. We always have a mindset problem. We always have a spiritual problem. We never really have a money problem. We always have a mindset problem. We always have a spiritual problem. We never really have a money problem Because if we get our mindset and our spiritual self aligned, the money will appear, because that's what God. God is a provider, god is a creator. Stop creating, because but you create your reality with your words and your actions. Until you get grateful, it's when you see the harvest. Another mic drop.
Speaker 1:I got my nugget from it. Trust me, I got my assignment to meditate on the night.
Speaker 2:I love you all. I was so excited when I saw that you launched the podcast. I watched the first one because I didn't know Lisa's story either, you know, because I kind of came to the family late because this is my dad's side of the family, right. So I didn't even really meet this side of the family until I was, like, freshman in college. Yeah, everybody else was already in college too, so it's kind of like who's this kid? She's like all right, come on, let's go. I mean, but, but we just treated you like you've always been there. It's like come on, let's go. Yes, you know so, and so it's amazing to be there. And even my mom's side of the family, like you, don't understand how you have this whole family. I'm like yo, they're freaking dope. You need to get you one. They, they are.
Speaker 1:they're pretty dope, yeah yeah, I must say thank you so much for just enriching this space, yes, as much as I believe others will be blessed by it. I know you've blessed me tonight, thank you. I didn't even realize I needed to pick from the tree that I've just taken, like I said, to meditate on tonight. So, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm John and I'm Lisa.
Speaker 1:And we're adopted, and we're adopted, and we're adopted, and today we have just been blessed by a nontraditional example of a nontraditional relationship that the journey is unprecedented, but the blessings are so fruitful, so I hope that you walk away. Thank you for investing time to watch, to listen, to learn. There definitely was a spiritual transition that took place tonight. So if you watched it, you were supposed to watch it, and I pray that you take the lessons from it and utilize them However you are supposed to, and if you don't, that's on you. So, thank you, hit the like to share and let somebody know Any closing words.
Speaker 2:No, this has been awesome and I just appreciate you, saran, for agreeing to come on, because this has really been a powerful, powerful moment in time. Thank you for having me, we appreciate you and until in time. Thank you for having me, we appreciate you and until next time. We will see you guys later. Thank you, bye.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the so I'm Adopted podcast. We hope that this was informative and educational. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook at so I'm Adopted. Also, subscribe to our YouTube channel so I'm Adopted. And again, thank you for listening and until next time, make the choice to begin your healing journey.
