So.... I'm Adopted Podcast!
This podcast creates a space for genuine conversations about adoption, where emotions are acknowledged, journeys are reconciled, and a healthy acceptance of truths is fostered. Delve into the impact of adoption on all parties involved, gaining insights from adoptees, adoptive parents, biological parents, as well as professional psychologists and social workers. Explore the realities, reconciliation processes, and ongoing dynamics of adoption.
So.... I'm Adopted Podcast!
Family Ties: A Journey Through Adoption and Healing
Ever wondered what it feels like to navigate the intricate labyrinth of adoption and family dynamics? Join us as we welcome Shakia Simmons, an adoptee and Hampton University alumna, who brings her unique perspective on this emotional journey. Shakia's insights, woven with light-hearted banter about football and a tribute to the late James Earl Jones, add depth and warmth to our conversation.
Shakia's story is a heartfelt exploration of the complexities of adoption within a family. Adopted at nine months by her relatives, she sheds light on the emotional tapestry of her life, balancing relationships with both her biological and adoptive families. As she shares her adoptive father's profound loss and his decision to raise her as his own, supported by her biological mother, our listeners gain a poignant insight into her unique family dynamics. Shakia's narrative is a testament to the enduring bonds of family and the challenges of acceptance that come with it.
Our conversation extends to the broader theme of family dynamics and unconditional love, particularly the special bond between a mother and her son. We touch on the emotional nuances that can arise in marital relationships, emphasizing the crucial role of communication and empathy. The episode culminates in a powerful discussion on forgiveness and acceptance, highlighting personal journeys of healing and the importance of seeking support. This episode is a deeply moving exploration of family, love, and the human spirit's resilience.
Music by Curtis Rodgers IG @itsjustcurtis
Produce and Edited by Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Johnnie Underwood
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Welcome to the so I'm Adopted podcast, where we talk everything adoption. This journey is not one we take alone. Together we grapple with raw emotions that surface from adoption stories. We want you to be comfortable enough to heal, so sit back and go with us on this journey as we dive deep into adoption. Hey.
Speaker 3:John, how are you?
Speaker 2:I'm good. How are you doing?
Speaker 3:I'm doing great, doing great.
Speaker 2:This is the first time on this platform. We're both virtual Jumping in.
Speaker 3:Yes, I miss sitting next to you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. It's definitely a difference, but it's a good change. This is evolution as a result of what happened in 2020. We have been able to just evolve, and I think this platform will also allow us to get more people in the room with us to share their story. So definitely excited about that, you know so what's been going on.
Speaker 3:Nothing, nothing at all. You know it's that football time of year, football season.
Speaker 2:Y'all play tonight too. You're 49ers fans, so y'all play tonight.
Speaker 3:All day, all day. I saw that, you know, y'all didn't start off very good.
Speaker 2:I actually went to the game yesterday.
Speaker 3:Did you yeah, so you saw them lose in person.
Speaker 2:Hey, let's see, this is being recorded. Don't do that. That's not a good start. That's not a good way to start off, especially because y'all haven't played yet either, and we all remember the choke that y'all gave in played yet either. We all remember the choke that y'all gave in the Super Bowl, but that's a whole different story.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because he wasn't there. He wasn't there, washington wasn't there.
Speaker 2:Okay, it's the same as window shopping. Same as window shopping with no money. We were there. Okay, celebrate that the history book. They were shopping with no money.
Speaker 3:We were there.
Speaker 2:Okay, celebrate that the history book only talks about one team that was there for like three or four years straight, and that was Buffalo. Nobody's bragging about that, because they didn't win anything.
Speaker 3:True, true.
Speaker 2:Well.
Speaker 3:But we was at the party, I saw. Like I said, we was at the party. I saw like I said we was at the party, that's fine. But it should be interesting because you know what's his name. He's coming back since the Jets quarterback, so we'll see how that goes. You know he's old he's 40 years old so we'll see how that all plays out.
Speaker 2:It should be quite interesting, always, always.
Speaker 3:Other than that, nothing. Just living life, Just watching all that's going on in the world. That's about it. So let's see here what else is in hot topic in news today.
Speaker 2:Football season, you got politics coming, you have a lot of hot button topics and then today, james Earl Jones died today already hear that that he's like the voice of our generation.
Speaker 3:That's a big, that's a big loss in hollywood, a huge loss in hollywood, if you saw, coming to america too.
Speaker 2:They kind of prepared you for that when he was, you know, in the bed, as though he was transitioning. Uh, so he was 93 years old. That's a blessing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, he was 93. That is a longevity of a career. He was always that voice of power and authority. I am your father Because he was Mufasa. Right, Was he Mufasa?
Speaker 2:He was Mufasa. It was interesting that you bring up the Luke Skywalker. That was a non-traditional relationship. Luke grew up this whole time thinking about his father and then he had another sister and well, not another sister, but a sister. So again, this platform of non-traditional relationships and families. It is played out and, I'll be honest, I never looked at it from the standpoint of oh wow, he's. You know, I can relate to that because you were concerned with so many other variables, but that was a very important part of the story that is.
Speaker 3:I personally am not a Star Trek fan. I just know that that's not Star Trek. I mean, I meant to say Star Wars. I'm a Star Trek fan, I'm not a Star Wars fan. I am a Trekkie.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:So I just never really understood all of the different.
Speaker 2:Storylines.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was a lot. It was a lot, but we do have someone here today that we are going to speak with. It's a young lady, her name is Shakia Simmons and I'm getting ready to click her in so we can chat with her and see. Obviously she well, that's not obvious because we do talk to all types of people that has some type of relationship with adults, adults- Okay. Type of relationship with adoptees. So she, I believe, is an actual adoptee, so let me go ahead and click her in.
Speaker 2:Let's bring her on in.
Speaker 3:All right, welcome. This is Shakia Sessoms, and she is also John, just so you know, and also a alumni of our home by the sea. Okay, all right University hey sea.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, h-u which class?
Speaker 1:Yes, 13. Sorry, I could not think. Okay, 13. 2013. What name of your class?
Speaker 2:Contestant yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm QT3, okay, and my daughter is I can't remember the number, but yeah.
Speaker 2:She's QT13 If I'm not mistaken. She's a freshman starting now that H-U connection.
Speaker 3:And I'm Dynasty, the one and only. We'll always be the one and only. We'll always be the one and only. Also, she has a master's degree with Liberty University.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:She currently works in production planning and scheduling with Huntington Ingalls Industry. Chakiya is married and has a five-year-old son, which I'm sure he keeps you very, very busy. So, let's welcome yes, let's welcome Chakiya to the show. Thank you, Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you for coming on.
Speaker 1:I'm excited to be here.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I guess the first question is tell us about how you came across our platform. That's the first question that we want to know.
Speaker 1:So I came across your platform because I'm friends with Jasmine and one day she had shared something in her story on Instagram. One day she had shared something in her story on Instagram and then when I saw it, I clicked on it and I was like, hold on, I didn't know for once. So that prompted me to go and look at all of the podcast shows that you had done up until that point and I was surprised because I never knew that about Ms Sapp and I remember that about you because I remember in church you had, you know, shared your testimony at church, but I never knew that about Mrs Sapp. So when I saw that I was like, dang, this is pretty cool. I like the whole podcast and then just hearing other people's stories. And then when you hear other people's stories and sometimes the stories are identical or you know you share similarities. So that is what really intrigued me to reach out and say I love the podcast and you know I was interested.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Okay, so we have some type of a connection with you. Yes, your face looks familiar.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Okay, mrs Lasseter from Ivy is my grandmother. I was about to say the last name.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you didn't pick up on that.
Speaker 3:She said Sessoms, that's not Lasseter.
Speaker 1:Right, it's Sessoms. Yes, my last name is Sessoms, but Mrs Lasseter is my grandmother.
Speaker 2:Okay, when you popped up, I recognized the face I was like okay, got it. It was interesting Lisa shared her adoption story at the church way before.
Speaker 1:I did Really.
Speaker 2:Wow yeah, so I definitely missed hers.
Speaker 1:But when I saw it on the podcast I was like, oh my gosh, I never knew this, but it definitely. I was intrigued by it.
Speaker 3:Okay, okay, yeah, your face, now that you're saying it and you continue to talk, your face looks familiar, definitely.
Speaker 2:For those that don't know, in podcast world Jasmine is Lisa's daughter.
Speaker 3:Yes, yes, jasmine is my oldest child, that's right, so here's the million dollar question.
Speaker 2:So tell us when or how did you find out you were adopted, or what's your adoption story, or what is your connection to this platform that we're speaking.
Speaker 1:I was adopted at nine months and I was adopted by relatives on my mom's side and so kind of when people ask me, when did I know? I always like, knew there was never, like it was never a secret, it was never. I don't even remember it ever really being like a sit down conversation. I just always knew that that's your real mom and you know we take care of you. You live here with us, but that's your mom. Now my mom had four boys before me I'm her only girl and then she had another boy after me, and so all of my brothers at the time that I was born, my oldest brother he probably was about maybe teenager, if that and so her having all of, at that time, five kids and her life was not, I guess, put together. So she, you know she had struggles, a lot of struggles of her own that she was dealing with, and so what actually ended up happening was my mom's mom passed away and you know how the family comes to see everybody, you know to be with you during that week. So my adoptive family actually came to visit, you know, my mom and everybody, and when they saw me they were like we want to take her, we want her and from what they say, my mom said, okay. So at first it was just supposed to be until, like, the funeral, my grandmother's funeral, which was going to be in a couple of days.
Speaker 1:But when they came back, my dad per se, my adopted dad. He previously had twin daughters and they passed away shortly after birth. So he didn't have children anymore At the time, he wasn't married or anything like that anymore either, and so when at the time of my grandmother's funeral he had asked for me at the time of my grandmother's funeral, he had asked for me, like I want her to be my child, you know, I'll take care of her, and everything like that. And again, my mom was having such a hard time. So she said, yeah, so that was how I became adopted. But, like I said, I've never, ever not known who my mom was. Throughout the years I kept in communication with my mom. I still keep in communication with my mom, but it was just like we're your family but that's your family, and being that, they were still related because my mom and my grandmother were first cousins. So my biological mom and my adopted grandmother, let me say that, are first cousins.
Speaker 3:Your biological mother and your adoptive grandmother.
Speaker 1:Grandmother, our first cousin, our first cousins. So their moms were sisters.
Speaker 3:Got it Okay, mm-hmm, so yeah.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah, that's Wow, and it's interesting.
Speaker 1:I'm still trying to wrap my head around. Try being a five-year old trying to explain that to people.
Speaker 2:But the fact that you were, that you had all that information and were trying to explain it, and so I want to ask so many questions. That I want to ask, I guess, one of the first ones because your adopted father had twin girls that had passed away for him to go into the area and say I want her to be my daughter. That, as a father of girls, I can't and you might not know. Maybe you had you asked him like what was his emotional just in that moment, that he would say that you know that Everything happens for a reason. So that's amazing. And then for your, your first mom, to be willing to say OK, recognizing where she was at, that's, that's huge.
Speaker 3:That is huge. But how did you feel that you know, knowing that your mom was, it wasn't a pushback at all. When it came to them saying, hey, we want to adopt her. When it came to them saying, hey, we want to adopt her Now that you're older and you can really understand the magnitude of being adopted, how did you feel like you didn't, even though it was the right decision to do. But how did you feel that your mom was like, oh okay.
Speaker 3:So it's definitely something that I struggled with for a very long time because, again, my mom had those four older kids and then she ended up still having another one after me, which she kept, so she kept all of the boys.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes.
Speaker 3:I'll show you on that she kept everybody except me.
Speaker 1:I understand that and even my grandparents, my adopted grandparents, actually wanted to adopt my younger brother and my mom wouldn't let him. So that was another layer of like, well, how come, you know you were OK with me going, but you know you're not okay with him? So it has definitely been something that I have struggled with over the years because, also, the way that the story is always told is like we asked your mom for you and then she said, she said, oh, just let me get her clothes together and boom, you know it was no, no hesitation. So right, right, that's yeah. So I feel like, oh, right. So that has been something that again over the years, I have struggled with, because I just always wonder, like, what was it? Why wasn't there more pushback? And especially me being a mom myself, you know it makes you wonder hey, why would you not, you know, fight a little harder for your child and things like that? You not, you know, fight a little harder for your child and things like that. Um, but um.
Speaker 3:I think that answer me this. I'm sorry, go ahead.
Speaker 1:Go ahead. I was thinking that do you all have the same father? No, I have a different father from everyone, the one younger than me, and I have two brothers. One is younger and then the other one is like two years older. They share a father, and then the three older boys share a father. I'm the only one that has a completely different dad, and so that was also something too, because I never had a relationship with him. I never had a relationship with him.
Speaker 1:I can actually only remember seeing him once in my life. I can actually only remember seeing him once in my life, and I was about five and so outside of that I've never no conversation, no, nothing. And when I was about 19, his brothers he has brothers, and one of his brothers reached out to my mom and told her that they wanted to meet me, and so then I ended up meeting them. You know, after the fact, but prior to I had, and by that time he had, um, he was deceased, and he had been deceased for some years and I never knew. So I have his last name and everything, because my adoptive parents never, ever, changed my last name.
Speaker 3:Oh okay. So my next question is do you think this is just me thinking, trying to wrap my head around why it was so easy for your mom to say oh okay, let me just get her toothbrush and you guys go ahead and take her, you know so easily? Do you think it had something to do with who your father was? Maybe, possibly.
Speaker 1:Possibly, but I think more so. So she always says she didn't know what to do with the girl, and so that's that's always her. She didn't know what to do with the girl, so, um, got it. When we've had that conversation. That's the only thing she's ever said, and so, but it could be. I do think that it probably is a bit of both, because originally, I think my dad or my biological father was living where my mom is from, which is North Carolina, and then somewhere down the line he moved to New Jersey, which is where I think he was originally from. So I don't even think they were seeing each other or anything at all. Yeah, they didn't have any kind of communication.
Speaker 2:So got it.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But I like that first point that you brought up, that she didn't know what to do with a girl. That's, that's real. I mean, having had boys and I would have never thought about that. But being in the in the mental health field and then having interviewed and working with parents a lot of times when you have that different child, that's not the same as what I've had previously. That takes a lot of. I appreciate her transparency and truth in that, because it is a transition to when I've been doing, doing, doing and now I have to switch up. So that's when I've been doing, doing, doing and now I have to switch up. So that's again another unique layer that I'm just sitting here with all these like wow wow, wow.
Speaker 1:Moments to hear through your story, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And even with my brothers sorry, even with my brothers my mom was, when I say she had things going on, she had things going on. So even with my brothers you know they like my three older brothers they spent a lot of time with her mother before her mom got sick and passed away, passed away. So all of her kids in some way spent a lot of time other places or kind of figuring it out type thing. So I think my situation is it worked out, because with a little girl you just can't have a little girl all around. You know you have to be very careful with the daughter. So I do think that it worked out. But yeah, just, and there were other people Since I have been an adult, actually my husband, he's from where I'm from and so when I met his family, his aunt, who was married to one of his uncles, came up to me and when she found out who my mom was, she said you were supposed to be mine. I asked for you.
Speaker 3:Oh well, you had a bidding war out for you. Huh, pop your collar on that right there and at the time.
Speaker 1:You may not love me, but a lot of other people do. Right, I was like what? And she said, yeah, I asked for you, you were supposed to be mine, and I was just like she said. And she told me that she used to babysit me and things like that. And you know she wanted me and I was just shocked because I'm like I don't even know this lady. I don't even know this lady. So it was really eye opening because in all of that time I never knew that there were other people that you know were involved or you know saw me and was thinking, wanted you.
Speaker 2:Right. So let me jump in, and I'm sure you have heard this before. You do recognize that you are a special gift right At that age for that many people to be asking, for you people to be asking for you, you already had a blueprint that was supposed to be supported and amazing, so that's a nugget just for you to tuck away that at a young age, before you even knew you had earthly angels already assigned to you.
Speaker 3:Exactly, that's powerful. Considering the whole situation, they saw something in you that they wanted to make sure it was protected, or?
Speaker 2:they were being obedient to what God was telling them to do.
Speaker 3:Either way it's a positive, it worked out. It's a positive, it worked out, yes, yes.
Speaker 3:And at the end of the day, I'm sorry, at the end of the day you could also say that with your mom so nonchalantly. With your mom so nonchalantly, it's like, okay, take her, but she may have had a. You know, she really cared about you, she. It didn't seem like it at the time in that sense, but if you think about it, she knew that you needed something better than what she could give you. You know right. So because people were coming to her saying, hey, I, I want to, so she was like, okay, before, let me go ahead and get her off before they change their mind or something.
Speaker 3:So at the end of the day, I feel that our biological mothers what do you call them, john? First moms, first moms, first moms loved us enough to do what they needed to do.
Speaker 2:It may not have looked like that from the surface, but deep down I always feel, and I believe, that they've always had our best interests at heart. I agree. I agree learned about other family dynamics. Did you have a chip on your shoulder? Were you just not? Were you oblivious to it, you know? Did it impact you at all?
Speaker 1:So the thing with that is that? Okay. So I told you about my dad who wanted me. Well then, I still didn't end up living with him. I ended up living with his parents. So then it added an extra layer, because at the time my grandparents were probably in their late forts, and so here I am at school events and everybody else is with their mom, their dad and their parents look young, their parents are vibrant, and then here's my. So that added just extra, an extra layer. And then also my adoptive dad is in a wheelchair. So then that was also an extra layer, because it was just like, everywhere I turned, my story was nowhere near black and white or your typical family dynamic. Everything was just very, very different. And so that for me I did struggle a bit because, like I said, even in watching my friends as I got older or even younger, watching classmates or watching friends and hearing them say things about what their mom does with them.
Speaker 1:These are all things that leave an impression, and so that wasn't my story. And so, even though I was in a better situation at five, you're not thinking I'm in a better situation, thinking, well, why doesn't my mom like me? Well, why don't I live here with the rest of them, and things like that. And so I shared that. I always knew my mom. I also always visited her. I visited her like summers and things like that.
Speaker 1:So in the summer, when I would go to stay with her, I would be sad because it was different from what I was used to, and then when I would be leaving, I would be sad. There was never a happy medium, like it was always. And even the place where I'm from for the longest, up until I started dating my husband and had my son and things like that, I associated that place with sadness. I hated it. I didn't want to go there. There was nothing in that place for me, and so even when we would have family functions and things like that, I would go to the family. Still, even as an adult, it was still that sadness for years, and I'm saying up until maybe five years ago, when I finally saw something different from what I had. I remember it being so yeah, wow, wow so yeah, wow, wow.
Speaker 2:So I guess the next question would be with you having that experience and the sadness and then, yeah, just where were you, where were you at mentally with?
Speaker 1:that. So becoming a mom was like the highlights for me. It was finally something that was mine. It was finally something that just a bond that I could have never imagined, and I felt like throughout my life I was always trying to find that love.
Speaker 1:And I don't know how your experiences were, but for me personally, being adopted has always come with like a sometimes somewhat guilt, because I had my brothers here who felt like she's in this place because of that, and if we were there, we would be in this place. They thought that my life was just so much better when not knowing that there were things that I envied about their lives, because they had that togetherness that I would never be able to have. And then also it came with this feeling of like forever being indebted to somebody because, again, you pulled me out of this situation and so now I feel like I owe you everything you know, and so that has been a process also. And then so when I had my son, it was just like this is my one thing that has no. The only thing it has is now the relationship that we have, you know.
Speaker 1:So there is no history, there is no nothing. I just get a clean slate of loving someone and someone loving me and someone loving me, without any strings, any anything. This is my one thing, that is just mine, and so it has kind of in some ways with my husband. You know, I tell him all the time, like you're jealous of your son, you are, because me and my son are like this and I don't know if it's a mom-son thing, but it is just a completely different love that I've never had this for anyone in the world. This is my one thing, and so I treat it as such.
Speaker 3:And so I treat it as such and as you should. As you should Because that's your blood and all your other connections to your brothers haven't been that, you haven't had an opportunity. If I'm, not mistaken.
Speaker 1:Do you have a relationship with your brothers? I do have a relationship with all of them and, like I have a favorite brother and they all know that he's my favorite and I have a relationship with all of them. However, my brother's bonds are just way tighter and it's because they were around each other a lot more. So I missed out on that part, because you know, we'll just never have that.
Speaker 3:I can understand that because with my siblings, when I was around them and they talk about things that happened in their childhood, you know I was like man, I should have been involved in that or I would have been involved in that. You know, just that was one of the things that that really hit home to me when I was around my family, my biological family. They talk about the past and I wasn't included in that. That was something that really struck me to my core when I hear them talking about that, right, not taken away from the life that I have, but they bring out old pictures, that old picture.
Speaker 3:Right you know things of that nature. I would be right there. You know things of that nature, so I got a question, the you know.
Speaker 2:You brought up the fact of your husband being jealous and I dropped my head. No, seriously, and this is something I had to come to terms with. I was jealous of my wife's and daughter's relationship, like when they were babies. I didn't call it jealousy because I didn't Jealousy is such a bad word but it was rooted. It was rooted in me being adopted, in that, like you said, that ownership, and I felt like, hold on, little baby, you coming in and taking my time and my space. But once I understood the three of you that you know, you had to explain like, or did you even know? Look, this is why this is a different connection for me. This is mine and like. Did it cause any like challenges where you all had to work through it?
Speaker 1:I wouldn't say necessarily it caused anything that we had to work through. Necessarily it caused anything that we had to work through, but there definitely had to be conversations because I just I could pick up on it. And so, because I could pick up on it, I didn't want my son to pick up on it or I didn't want. You know, sometimes you can do things and you don't even realize that you're doing it. And so I also realized that, because my husband comes from a completely different family dynamic than I do, and so even that sometimes is a struggle, because when I'm dealing with things, um, and I'm trying to explain to him, you know, and I feel like this and he's like, and then I'm you don't understand. You don't understand because you haven't had to go through this, you know. And so I did have to sit down and have that conversation with him though that. And so I did have to sit down and have that conversation with him though that. Hey, it's not that I don't love you or I love you any less. It's not that you're not important or you know, the number one spot. However, this is my thing, this is mine. I love my husband. But let's be honest, husbands, wives, you know, things could happen.
Speaker 1:My kid is my kid, so it's like listen, anything with my mom, even though, like throughout the years, me and my mom did not have the best relationship, because she had a lot of struggles and her struggles I also think that one of her main struggles is not necessarily accepting the choices that she made and the results of the choices that she made. And so we struggled a lot, and I mean a lot Because even when I was younger, you know there would be things like I'm going to come, there will be times when, for one, my mom would disappear and you wouldn't be able to find her, you wouldn't be able to talk to her or anything like that. And so in those moments, those were moments that were very pivotal to me, because it would be times when I really just needed that, that connection. You know, because my adoptive family is my adoptive family, but because I always knew who my mom was, I was always longing for that affection, that attention, that any little piece of her that I could get.
Speaker 1:I wanted it, and so, because of her struggles, it just created a barrier, and so for years we had this back and forth, like one minute we would be communicating the next minute? We wouldn't, and so trying to explain that to my husband was also a process of like I know that you don't understand this, because this is just completely different from anything that you've ever experienced, but I just need you to bear with me, I just need you to you know, know that I love you and you still the man, but this right here is like literally my heart. So, yeah, but we definitely had to have those conversations.
Speaker 2:That's awesome. I'm thankful and glad that you all were able to have that conversation and that you empowered him to say listen, I still love you, because sometimes, as the husbands, we get caught up in the weeds and we start taking it personally. So that's kudos to you on that. That's awesome yeah. Does your son know your story, does your son?
Speaker 1:know your story? He does not. He knows that he calls my mom Mimi, so he knows that Mimi is my mom and he knows that my dad is my dad, but he does not know the story. But he doesn't know all the players Right. He knows all the players, though, and he has connected with them. He has a relationship with my mom. Our relationship has gotten better since I became a mom. I'll say initially, when I became a mom, I could not for the life of me understand how how you could do this, because as a mom I couldn't imagine. As a mom, I couldn't imagine. But throughout the years of being a mom, I've kind of okay, I can understand now, because I'm a mom of one, I can't imagine being a mom to five, and so, like my one is tearing me up. At least you had three, ms Lisa.
Speaker 3:So that was a challenge, child A challenge.
Speaker 1:People ask me all the time do you want more? No, the answer is no, this is it.
Speaker 2:Just keep on, you never know. Just keep on, you never know.
Speaker 3:You never know. You never know, I'm going to have to pray on that hard. But yeah, but you think that you're saying that you only want one because of your own upbringing I do.
Speaker 1:I always said initially, I remember saying that I would adopt a child. This is when I was younger. And then, as time went on, I was like, yeah, I don. And so now I do think that it is because of my experience, because I always question whether or not I have enough love to give, you know, more than just that one, and so because I'm just unsure and I feel like if I had another child then of course I would, but I just can't even imagine my life with more than one, so I better stick, keep, play it safe and stick to the one, play it safe and stick to the one.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but you would adjust, trust me, you would adjust as they come you adjust. It's like having one. It can be very challenging to have multiple. So respect to your mom for having five. So, getting back to that, did she raise the boys? So they were always with her.
Speaker 1:They were not always with her, they were other places also. Like I said, the older three they spent a lot of time with her mom before her mom passed away. The younger two they were with her. I would say they were probably with her more than any of us, but there came a time even for them that, like my uncle ended up, um, they ended up moving in with my uncle and he ended up, you know, finishing raising them as they got a little bit older. It still wasn't. I wouldn't say that she raised, you know, from baby to high school, any of her kids, but she would say something different. Let me say that. So I think that's also when I say me and my mom have just certain barriers, because that is one of the things that I don't think that she necessarily completely lives in her truth. And sometimes I think that you know certain parts of the story you would like to blur out and it's our real life. So in order to really heal and move forward, you got to tell the whole story.
Speaker 3:You got to tell the whole story and a lot of people remember what they want. Yes.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I think that is the part I struggle with the most.
Speaker 3:Because she's going to make herself, whether she does it intentionally or intentionally, she's going to try and make herself look better in the situation than what it really was right you know, and it's not to say she did it intentionally.
Speaker 3:It just nature of people, of humans, to kind of always look at things, you know, in a positive light when it comes to negative things, right? So I definitely understand that. So, yeah, she's not going to say, oh, I don't remember that, no, I clearly remember. You know, I remember when, so I get it, I get it, I get it.
Speaker 2:So I would ask this what advice would you give, because you have a lot of self-awareness about why you're, why you think the way that you think, why you are so connected to your son what advice would you give to other adoptees that may be going through some of the same things that you went through with their children and trying to build that relationship, whether they're overcompensating or just wrestling like? What type of advice? With you, having been five years into the parent, the motherhood realm, looking at your journey, what advice could you share to help others?
Speaker 1:First and foremost, to be honest. First and foremost, to be honest, just being honest with yourself and really processing how you feel. And if you can't do that by yourself, then go to therapy. Therapy is like therapy has been a big help. I've been able to really see the full picture. Going to therapy and just saying things out loud, but being honest with yourself about why you feel the way that you feel, and forgiving.
Speaker 1:Forgiving, because for me, forgiving and forgiveness looks different for me. I swear like every day, um, because there have been moments when I have had to ask myself have I really forgiven? Because I still think about it. It still hurts, it still is sensitive to talk about. You know, one day I could talk about it and I'm completely fine. Another day I'm not so fine.
Speaker 1:So, um, and when I say forgiving, not just that person your mom or your dad or whoever but also forgiving the feelings that you have, it's okay. It's okay to feel like this and not feeling guilty about it, because for a very long time I have walked around, walked on eggshells, trying not to hurt people's feelings about how I felt, about my upbringing, and right, the only person who was really hurt from that was me. You know, people are sleeping peacefully at night and I'm up and for me it has been like, even if they don't see it, it's OK. This is my truth, this is what I experienced and me sharing how I what I experienced doesn't mean that you were the worst parent on the earth, doesn't mean that you didn't do anything for me, doesn't mean that I don't appreciate and love you. It just means that this was my experience and in order for me to move forward, I have to be honest about that. So to anybody else I would say that, like, just be honest about you. Know, if you want to love on your baby extra hard, it's okay to love on your baby extra hard because that is your baby. And for other people who have not had that experience, they may not understand. But communicate always. Make sure to communicate, whatever it is that you're feeling, because I'm telling you even to today, I still have moments.
Speaker 1:I remember when it occurred Franklin, when his interview came out or documentary came out I sat and I sobbed, like sobbed because there were so many things in there that I could relate to and it was almost like somebody sees it's not just me, okay. So other people really are going through this, you know, and so I think that a lot of times, when it is an adoption by family members sometimes to me, I think that's harder because you're constantly reliving it all the time, because when you see them you know all of these things. So it's a constant reminder and I struggle with that so much. As a kid I struggled because I couldn't wrap my head around it.
Speaker 1:And even to becoming an adult, when I first had my son, like my mom was supposed to be there, I still had this, this faith, this hope, this she's going to. You know, this is going to be, this is going to be the thing that makes her see me, this is going to be the thing that makes us like this. And that thing never happened. It just I kept being disappointed time after time, and so I had to just open my eyes and say I have to meet her where she is. That's literally it. I have to just meet her where she is. Because, not meeting her where she is, I'm the only one constantly hurt.
Speaker 3:Wow, wow. She's so wise, john.
Speaker 2:My goodness.
Speaker 3:Good gracious what. It's taken a lot of time.
Speaker 2:Oh, my goodness, a lot of time. I don't have anything to say. I mean, and again I'm I'm humbled because I'm listening and, like you shared earlier when we first started the interview, you know you hear other people's story and you hear bits and pieces that are that are embedded, that are familiar, and just to hear where you are now and, like you said, it's been a process. There's still days that you are, you have highs and some days that you have lows. And the fact that you said you are an advocate for counseling, it helps. You have to have somebody help you organize your thoughts and normalize your situation, because we walk around carrying this book bag that others can't understand nor can they unpack, and if we just walk around like we're on that island, it weighs us down and we don't even recognize it. I mean, you electronically dropped the mic on us on that one.
Speaker 1:It has taken a long time, though seriously, and it's not.
Speaker 1:I'm still going through the process, honestly. I am my grandmother, who raised me was I call her mom because she raised me and she literally did everything. And so recently well, not recently, but in the last four years or so she was diagnosed with dementia and so she has really been struggling so much, so to the point where we've had to put her into a nursing facility and things like that. And so that has been a struggle, because I am literally grieving the one person who has always shown up, and not grieving because she's gone, but grieving because she's not here in the same capacity. And so that has been a struggle, because I want to say, maybe like two weeks ago, it just like a light bulb, it was like a switch and I was like that was my person, that has been my person out of every that has been my person, and so that has that has been a struggle, because so many things being adopted again. People see, adopted again. People see if you're not adopted, you don't necessarily understand but it has just been different.
Speaker 3:Let me say that it's been different. So, yeah, wow, wow, you definitely have given us a lot of knowledge, thank you. Much older than you, but at your age, for you to have such a deep understanding of it all is. I just think it's awesome how you have that much understanding of it, the whole thing. So kudos to you for doing the work you know, and that's why we have this platform where people can hear that it doesn't matter your age, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 3:You know your situation, you know you can definitely take away from everything that you said and they can apply it to their lives today. So we definitely want to thank you so much, shakia, for you know, coming on our show, our little show here. Thank you for having me and sharing your truth and just allowing us to, inside of you know what took place as far as you being adopted and how you felt about the whole thing. And, yeah, I thank you, thank you. I mean, right now we're a little bit, oh no, you're. So we're John and I are like wow, oh no, you are. So we're like wow, to be so young and be so wise with with the adoption is just amazing to us.
Speaker 2:So thank you, lisa. Can I jump in? I just I want to do something. I want to do something different, and you're going to be the first one. You inspired me. Ok, this is something that I want to add to our platform as we close out. If you had to use one word to describe your adoption journey from onset until now, what would it be?
Speaker 1:One word.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm making it difficult. One word I'm making it difficult.
Speaker 3:One word I like it, john, I like it yeah.
Speaker 1:Hmm, different, different.
Speaker 2:Different, different, different, okay, um, and no justification. I just want to hear the word, because what I want to do is just start building um language. Okay, that, just different words that people use for their journey. It's not that you have to explain it, you don't have to justify it, because I think a lot of times carrying that backpack, we feel like we have to justify. So I want to create a space where, because what you've done, you've unpacked a lot, and that transparency we want to land it with whatever word you want to tie that bow, to put on top of it, and be able to walk away with a smile, because I know your story is going to bless a lot of people. It's, it's. It blessed us sitting here tonight?
Speaker 1:I hope so.
Speaker 3:It really has. It really has allowed me to to think about my own journey. So, thank you, thank you, thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 2:When you do the description, you got to put her name and then in parentheses put different Right.
Speaker 3:Yes, I like that, I will do that. Yes, so again, I'm Lisa. I'm John Shakia. Again, I'm Lisa.
Speaker 2:I'm John.
Speaker 1:Shakia, we are adopted. Yes, thank you so much for having me. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Thank you. Bless you, yes, thank you.
Speaker 3:Until next time, take care.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening to the so I'm Adopted podcast. We hope that this was informative and educational. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook at so I'm Adopted podcast. We hope that this was informative and educational. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook at so I'm Adopted. Also, subscribe to our YouTube channel so I'm Adopted. And again, thank you for listening and until next time, make the choice to begin your healing journey.
