So.... I'm Adopted Podcast!
This podcast creates a space for genuine conversations about adoption, where emotions are acknowledged, journeys are reconciled, and a healthy acceptance of truths is fostered. Delve into the impact of adoption on all parties involved, gaining insights from adoptees, adoptive parents, biological parents, as well as professional psychologists and social workers. Explore the realities, reconciliation processes, and ongoing dynamics of adoption.
So.... I'm Adopted Podcast!
Journey Into the World of Foster to Adopt: Companionship, Challenges, and Transformation
Embark on an emotional expedition with social worker and foster parent trainer, Allison Davidson, as we uncover the layers of the foster-to-adopt journey. Allison brings a wealth of knowledge from her 25 years in the field, guiding us through the process with a focus on its financial approachability and the rigorous background checks designed to safeguard the children's welfare. Together, we bust myths about adoption disqualifiers and lay bare the heart and soul that goes into creating forever families.
Navigating the foster care system can feel like threading a needle with a tapestry of legal and emotional threads. This episode delicately balances the two, delving into the complexities of adoption laws, the importance of cultural representation in foster homes, and the impact of maintaining biological connections. We traverse through Virginia's legal landscape, where I share my personal adoption narrative, revealing the profound influence of access to birth family information on identity and sense of self.
Concluding our journey, Allison inspires with stories of resilience and transformation, highlighting the profound satisfaction of witnessing children find their permanent havens. For those moved by our discourse and considering fostering with the intent to adopt, she details the initial steps to take with local agencies. We're reminded that while the path of foster care to adoption can be an emotional labyrinth, the rewards of providing love and stability to a child in need are boundless. Join us as we embrace the spirit of compassion and commitment inherent in the foster-to-adopt adventure.
Music by Curtis Rodgers IG @itsjustcurtis
Produce and Edited by Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Johnnie Underwood
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Welcome to the so I'm Adopted podcast, where we talk everything adoption. This journey is not one we take alone. Together we grapple with raw emotions that surface from adoption stories. We want you to be comfortable enough to heal, so sit back and go with us on this journey as we dive deep into adoption.
Speaker 1:We wanted to create a space for adoption truth. We have a common bond of being adopted. Our stories are very, very different. We wanted to have our conversations and allow other people to hear our conversations and also be able to share theirs as well.
Speaker 2:This podcast is where we will hear adoption stories from other adoptees, adoptive parents and biological families. We will also have input from licensed professionals such as psychologists, social workers, to get a deeper understanding of this adoption journey. Hopefully, these stories and perspectives will give hope and understanding and courage to those who are adopted or who are thinking about being adopted, along with the journey of acceptance, reconciliation and maintenance of being adopted. Those are going to be some of the anchors that we will highlight each time we come on this podcast. Again, we want to thank you for taking some time and invest with us at so I'm Adopted.
Speaker 2:This journey has been so fulfilling since we started this podcast, and what has happened is it's kind of taken a different turn from what we initially thought. Initially, our focus was just on adoption, but what we have identified is that it works with non-traditional relationships and there are so many different layers, and we've had people that have reached out, that want to share their stories. We've had people that want to be resources, and today we have somebody at the table with us that is going to be a resource and gives a wealth of information. So, lisa, go ahead and jump in. Let's go.
Speaker 1:Yes, so today, our guest is a social worker for the city of Hampton in Virginia. She has been training foster parents for over 20 years. She holds a bachelor's degree of arts in social work from Christopher Newport University and a master's of arts degree in education and training from the University of Phoenix. She's also the CEO and professional trainer of Training Solutions LLC, as well as an author of no Excuses. So let's please welcome. This is Allison Davidson, thank you. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. I'm looking forward to the conversation. Yes, thank you for coming. Yes, yes, so, like we mentioned that, allison works with fostering to adoption. That is kind of like foster to adopt, because there's two different ways is either you go straight to adoption or fostering to adoption. So her expertise is in the fostering to adoption, but we'll definitely talk on both sides of it.
Speaker 2:I'm going to say, because I don't even know the difference in some of the languages being used foster care and then adopt, and so just educate us in just some basic language of what you do.
Speaker 3:Well, definitely what I do. I train our foster parents to become foster adopted parents. I recruit them and train them because in the city of Hampton we have a need. We have about 86 kids in foster care and so, with that said, we're always needing and recruiting families. And so when you said something very unique, when you said foster to adopt, that is different. For a lot of people. What that looks like is you get to foster a child for a while before you're able to adopt them, at least six months before you can really legally adopt If they become available for adoption. So the process is different. A lot of people don't really think about that as an opportunity to adopt children, but you can foster to adopt a child in the state of Virginia.
Speaker 1:So what's the difference between you know, the straight adoption, private adoption, versus a foster? What's the big differences between the two?
Speaker 3:Well, the first thing is, the big difference is money. Financially, there are different types of adoption. Okay, so you have your domestic adoption and you have your international adoption, and then you can do foster to adopt. The more economical way is foster to adopt. Obviously, international adoption is probably your most expensive way to adopt. You're going to be traveling, you're going to be spending a lot of money going out of the country, and so there's different fees associated with that. When you talk about domestic adoption, a lot of people can choose private, or they can with an agency, or they can go to a lawyer and have the lawyer write up the adoption paperwork and pay that way, but still those fees can be anywhere from $1,000 to $50,000 to go adoption way, straight up adoption. If you choose, though, to go foster to adopt, the state of Virginia will help you out there, because there is no cost associated with foster to adopt.
Speaker 2:Wait, whoa, whoa, 30 second time out. So domestic adoption can cost anywhere from $1,000 to $50,000.
Speaker 3:Domestic and international and international.
Speaker 2:But if you do the foster to adopt, there's no cost.
Speaker 3:There's no cost.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:I got a question Is black market an option to?
Speaker 3:I know nothing about black market.
Speaker 2:I'm not even gonna say anything. I'm a leader alone.
Speaker 1:I'm sticking to that.
Speaker 2:So I guess the first question would be are there any disqualifiers where someone would not be able to go through that process of foster to adopt?
Speaker 3:There are several. One of the things that stand out is background checks. We do background checks. Sometimes individuals might have some type of been on a sexual offender registry. It's the case that would disqualify them.
Speaker 2:Okay. Is there a certain amount of time or is it just automatic Disqualifying? Okay?
Speaker 3:So when you look at background checks and also you have to look at if there is any domestic balance in their past we look at all of those things.
Speaker 1:Do they also look at the type of nucleus family as well?
Speaker 3:That's not a disqualifying. You can be single, you can be married, you know, and you can be same sex couples, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2:What about divorce? Is that frowned upon?
Speaker 3:Oh no, no Long, as you have your divorce and your divorce is final and you just have to give us a copy of your divorce decree. And we talk to people about this all the time. When they call us to foster, to adopt, we do a pre-streaming and I'll talk to you probably a little bit later about it, but we do a pre-streaming and that is wonderful because it allows them to ask questions to us and then we're able to give them that information that they need to see if they're a good fit. Some people eliminate themselves and sometimes we let them know that they might not be able to move forward because of some things they need to get straight. Some families maybe are in job situations where they are not employed and don't have income. That could be an issue in terms of getting approved as a foster parent. You have to show that you have income.
Speaker 1:So why would someone that is not employed want to be a foster parent? Because of the money that they receive for the child? Lisa?
Speaker 3:good question, good question. I'm not sure for certain what each person's reason but sometimes that could be a reason some people might think is lucrative that they're looking for a job and so becoming a foster parent is further from that. It's not a job. You're going to be a parent to our kids and a lot of times you might spend more money than you might receive. We do pay a maintenance, and a maintenance is a reimbursement. It's not like we pay them, we just give them a reimbursement because you know, like I know, it costs money to take care of these babies.
Speaker 3:It's money, and so we reimburse them for caring for the kids and foster care.
Speaker 2:I do know that there's a narrative, and back when I first started teaching, it was a big boom of group homes because people were aware that you did get funding back. And again the boom took place and as a result, they changed the regulations and then they started doing more screening, doing more coming out, checking. So I would imagine that's probably where some of that narrative came from, that people believe or if I'm a foster parent, I'm going to get some type of money, or if I adopt, I'm going to get some type of funding back. So I guess, how do you, if somebody does come to you with that type of narrative and conversation, what is the response?
Speaker 3:Well, what we try to do is educate them. We try to tell them about our program and we let them know that, friend, you might have to put out some money just to make sure your house is ready. You have to have a bed for a child. They don't have to have their own room, but they have to have their own bed. So there are some things they might have to prepare their house for, and that is their cost, because they are interested in becoming a foster parent. But they also have to have a suitable home for that child.
Speaker 2:Okay, when you do the screenings and interview, do you speak to the neighbors? And the reason I'm asking one of the things that my family expressed to me when they were going through the process of adopting me that the case manager went to multiple houses in the neighborhood asking about what type of people they were. Were they fighting? Were they out drinking? All types of questions. So what type of I guess external screenings are there that you all take?
Speaker 3:Well, we do what we call reference checks, and so the families provide those to us, though, so we don't go door to door. And that which brings me to your question Do you adopt it through foster care or not?
Speaker 2:No, okay. Catholic family services.
Speaker 3:Okay, so yours was a private agency that was utilized, and sometimes with private agencies, they can go even over and beyond the regular standard requirements.
Speaker 2:So is there a standard set by Virginia and forgive me for my ignorance, because I don't know or is there a just an adoption standard that is the same for all states?
Speaker 3:Well, no, it's not the same for all states. Similar but not the same. There could be some variations, but yes, the state of Virginia has a set of required requirements and those requirements have to be met. Things like background checks that we talked about, things like medical a person has to have a physical and things of that nature. Each person in the household that is 18 or older, we have to run background checks on them as well. So sad, you have a son in your home and that son has been had some type of background check that came back that makes them a disqualifying Right. They may, they might, have done something that you know with drugs or some type of felony charge possession with an arm, robbery or something and so this could make them being disqualified because they live in the household.
Speaker 2:So if that scenario were to take place and then they were to say, well, they're about to move out, do they have to start the whole process over? Or, because they were disqualified by a family member living in the house, are they able to? You know how does that impact it?
Speaker 3:Well, it really can impact them to not be approved at that time. And so what happens if their situation changes? They can always come back to be reassessed.
Speaker 2:Good. What would you say is the success rate of the fostering to adopt, those who start that fostering process where they take the child in, and then the success rate of a full adoption taking place? Or and I hate to say it this way, but you know there's a no, we're not going to continue, we're going to stop this process.
Speaker 3:Well, I don't have the stats on that right right in my head today, but I can tell you this. I can tell you that when a person start the process, it's a mutual understanding where they can select out or we can select them out or we can select them in and so, through the process, sometimes people select themselves out, they discover that they cannot make that commitment.
Speaker 1:Well, I did do a little bit of study and what I did discover as far as foster children and this is for the United States, not specifically for Virginia, but for the United States Department of Health and Human Services on any given day, over 391,000 children are living in the US foster care system, and the number continues to rise.
Speaker 1:Over 113,000 of these children are eligible for adoption and they will weigh an average almost three years for an adoptive family. Wow, 53% of the children and youth who left foster care were reunited with their families or living with a relative, 25% were adopted. More than 48,000 youth in US foster care lives in some type of a institution, such as a group home or other environments, instead of with a family, and in 2021, 53,500 children and youth were adopted. So 55% of them were adopted by their foster parents and 34% by a relative, and then 29% ended up aging out. And then an average of about the average of being fostered adopted is six years old, based on the statistics for human services for United States. I thought that was quite interesting. Yes.
Speaker 3:Right currently, right now, the state of Virginia has over 700 kids waiting for adoption. We have about 5,240 kids in foster care, so there's a great need for foster parents, and so if anyone that is interested in adopting, this is a way to go.
Speaker 3:Now, I think some of the drawbacks is a lot of individuals like to adopt babies, right, so let's go there right so when you think about it, when I receive calls from the city, to receive calls at Hampton, the city of Hampton a lot of times families want babies and so we are honest with them up front. We have babies sometimes, but a lot of our kids might be older and so if they're willing to foster to adopt an older child, they might have an even greater chance to adopt. But we do have babies.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I was a baby.
Speaker 2:I was a baby as well and we do recognize that our stories are unique and it's just a small snapshot in the big pool of adoption. So I guess the other question and I never thought about it until we just started this discussion At what point? I don't know if you said you have some babies, but do you have older children that may start off with their parents or parent and then they have to go into the adoption system at a older age, or does it start when they're young and that's the only place that they can enter into that pool, so to speak?
Speaker 3:Oh no, they can enter in at any time. Kids that come into foster care system come in different ways. Sometimes they come in because of abuse and neglect, and so when they come in, through our CPI Child Protective Services Unit, we bring them in to place them into a foster home and our goal is reunification. What that really means is we want to get them back home Because, just like you read, experts tells us that kids do want to go home. They want to go back to their families, and this is why we see a rise in a lot of kin. Families want to be a foster to adopt parents.
Speaker 1:That makes sense, and I know sometimes when maybe the parents both die and all of a sudden, one moment you're in a happy family and in the next moment you're foster kids. You know what I'm saying Exactly.
Speaker 3:We have had those cases.
Speaker 1:And then you don't have relatives who want to take you in, so you end up falling into that system.
Speaker 3:And a lot of families might not even know their relative have a child that was placed in foster care. So this is a military area we live in, so we have people coming from all over. So sometimes when kids come into care the first thing we do is a family finding. We try to find out are there other family rooms that can take this child right away? We don't want them to stay in foster care, but our goal is to return home to family or kinship. They could be grandma, they could be grandpa, family members that could take the child. But if that can happen, we move forward to adoption.
Speaker 1:So I know, growing up and I mentioned it when I spoke about my journey even though my brother and I were adopted, we also had foster kids in our house and they would come in and out. Sometimes they'll go back to their family, their parent or whatever, or they'll come back to us. So they were never always constant, so they would. I guess once their parent was back on their feet or whatever the situation didn't, they'll leave, but then they'll come back and then They'll leave. So they were never always there all the time, but we always had a social worker who came, you know, who visited quite often. Is that something that you do as well?
Speaker 3:Excellent point yes, we do that. We have to visit our kids every 30 days and so our foster care unit Actually go and make the appointments and they go see the children in their environment. They can also see them in school, and so that's to make sure everything is going well. House, just checking on the child, just to make sure that they're, they are healthy. The parents, to see if the foster parents have any questions. And I do my visits because I am a Trainer, right and I I go to the homes and I make sure the parents are doing what they're supposed to do and I look at the safety of the home, the environment. So that's my part in the foster care workers worry about the children place, I worry about the parents to make sure there's any Knees that need to be taken care of, that I address those needs.
Speaker 2:So I have so many questions. The first one I want to go back, and we talked about you do the, the kinship, where you try and find if they do have family members. So let's say that there's a scenario where a family has started the foster to adopt and then you do the, the find, and you find that there are family members. Who gets precedents with regards to when that child may go. This does it go directly to the family, because family overrides, or do you do an assessment between the two different Families to see who's the best fit for the child?
Speaker 3:Well, we definitely do an assessment. So say, if you have a family from each side the father and mother Side decides to show up and interested, well we have to do a home study, we have to do an assessment of each family that is interested and then that will help us to determine the best fit for that child. Also, what type of relationship do they have with that child prior to the child? Coming to Boston, that's very important because older kids will have an opinion about what they want to go.
Speaker 1:Yes, they will and do you guys take that into consideration?
Speaker 3:Oh, most definitely especially when they're 14 or older. Okay, and also when kids are 14 and older and foster care, they can decide if they want to adopt.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 3:Decided they want to be adopted. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:So if they say you know what? I don't want to be adopted, I don't want to go down that route because of the trauma of experience, what does their journey look like?
Speaker 3:Their journey looks like they will stay into a foster home that has them for pregnancy and when a lot of them age out at 18 or 21, they can stand to 21 if they're doing everything they're supposed to do and they have decided that, yes, I want to go to school, I want to do something to better myself, because, let's see, let's face it, when kids are 18, oftentimes they're not ready for the real world. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:This is true. Yeah, I talk a lot. Got a 18 year old at home right now. We're trying to let her know you. This is something that you have to get prepared for. There's no Blueprint that works for every single person. Some of it is, I can take you right there, but some of it is you're gonna have to learn. So the other question I have and again I have a, a sped hat, so I have to ask is there a Heightened population of individuals with disabilities that are in the the pool for adoption?
Speaker 3:Yes, but just before I answer that question I would like to pivot back to the fact that that program is called fostering futures. When they stay into 18, I mean to 21, yes, we have kids, all types of kids. So, yes, kids come in with disabilities. We have kids been abused to the point where, like a shaking baby syndrome, and because of that they incur injuries. One child I can think of Encourage some injuries that was legally blonde because of being shaken. So things happen to kids. But also, kids come in with their developmental delays, right, and so we have a lot of kids that have mental health challenges as well, do a diagnosis, and so depression is really big. And so when kids come in, they are really Looked at and talked to to see if they can benefit through a therapist.
Speaker 3:Okay, and so we making sure that the trauma that they have experienced, that we are working with them to deal with some of those trauma.
Speaker 1:So y'all partner with different agencies, or do you have a therapist on site?
Speaker 3:We actually partners with service providers that actually work with our kids and our families can actually select from a team of Service providers to work with.
Speaker 2:Hmm, so what type of training do you you offer the Individuals who may say I'm willing to take a individual that has special needs. What type of training are available for them?
Speaker 3:Well, first of all, the first training we take them through is a program called pride. Okay, and this program with pride is wonderful because it takes them through five weeks of training, three hours each night, so about five weeks. Excuse me, one one day a week for five weeks. And in this training we talk about developmental delays, we talk about trauma, we talk about diversity and I know we'll get there but we talk about all of those needs that a child might have when they come in foster care. Because even though they might a parent might have had a biological child, they haven't had a child in foster care. Hmm, and that's a different.
Speaker 2:That's one of the things that we talked about how being adopted, you have a different lens and Sometimes you don't even understand why you look at things certain way, but it is because of what you have experienced. So, yeah, I can't imagine what that foster care hat would look like walking in that.
Speaker 3:I'm glad you mentioned that, because the story of a child at foster care looks different from a story from a child who's been adopted by one parent right, Absolutely and then with that parent the whole time.
Speaker 3:Many of our kids in foster care might have gone through more than one place and so, as they disrupt and went from one placement to another for whatever reason and some of it it could be caused by them and some things are not some families move and change locations and a child might have to move there from their home, but that is trauma. That's very traumatic for a child. So when you think about it, when they have been removed from their home, their biological family for whatever reason, right Place with a foster child, and then have to move again, and in some cases more, once.
Speaker 2:So their story looks different from your story and, in addition, I would say that there's some learned behaviors and learned expectations in that, because the mindset would be well, they gave me away, and then they gave me away. So now, when they go into a new environment, that expectation or that bias is there of well, how long before you give me away? That defense mechanism, you know mechanism so that is.
Speaker 2:You know, all of that would be the training, because if I'm excited about the fostering to adopt program and I'm here, but then I'm met with this child, that is has this wall up and I don't right and I don't understand how to Take those bricks away. It can be detrimental to not only me but that child, and then that cycle just repeats itself.
Speaker 3:And often, sometimes our kids. When they come in your home, in a foster home, they don't want to unpack. You know, they want to leave their things in the bag because you might tell me to leave any moment, and I'm ready to go. And so that mentality has to be changed through trust.
Speaker 2:So do you all offer therapy for the child as they continue to go through this foster program? Most definitely Okay. And then the other question was with the one day a week training, is that done before the child enters their house or is that done simultaneously, once they're done, simultaneously, once they're already in?
Speaker 3:great. Both questions are Very important. We do training before they enter their home and then we do training after they're in their home. They there's a continuous training with our foster parents and you know, when you think about a person giving birth to their own child, they don't get a lot of training right. You get the child. Sometimes parents don't look into all of that right, but with foster parents they really get to have a lot of training before that child gets there.
Speaker 2:Hmm.
Speaker 3:Hmm.
Speaker 2:That's, that's great. I'm like excited to hear that. So again, and I have a bias from the school system because that's that's my lens. What would you say? Or how, how can I best put it? What impact does this process of being fostered to adopted, or just fostered, have on their education?
Speaker 3:Well, definitely kids that I remove. We like to Keep them in the same environment as far as the schools, the doctors, if we can, for continuity of care and this helps keep them stable. Oftentimes when we do move them is because we want to do what's best for them. But as far as their peers, we try to keep the connection if they have other siblings, groups, as like. We have had families of 14 that came in foster kids. Oh wow, that's a large family right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so sometimes we can't put them in the same household Also household and so but we still want to keep them connected, right? So we will make sure we have visitations, we have things set up so all the foster parents and the kids can still connect.
Speaker 1:That's interesting because the the kids that I grew up with they were. They were siblings, even though they came in. It was a few of them that were individuals, but at least two or three of them were we're siblings, and we do that.
Speaker 3:We try to keep them together at all costs. But when a sibling group, you can imagine a 14.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:I'm sure that's challenging, very Challenging and in fact I shouldn't mention one point my job is placements. I'm the placement locator. So not only do I train the parents to be foster parents, to get approved as foster, to adopt parents, I'll also find placements. So when CPS call, it could be anytime. We in our unit take care of the placement of those kids. So we have to know our families quite well. We have to know information about them through their home studies and to make sure that whatever child we place in a home, we call it first placement, last place. So if they are not able to go home, maybe they can be adopted by the current foster here.
Speaker 1:So how do you? That's it. My question is how do you determine if this family and this child Will, will mesh? You know what I'm saying? How do you determine? Okay, we're gonna put this child with this family because of whatever right.
Speaker 3:Well, we know there's no direct absolutes right. Right, we can't just say that, but we can look at what are the interests of the foster parent. When they came in, they have a homestead completed. They wanted a boy, girl, they wanted the age group that they indicated. But they also talk about who they are, how their family is made up. They might have animals or they may not have animals.
Speaker 3:When children come in foster care, we find out how, what type of family they can't come from. Right, we also find out how many children in their family that are coming into foster care. So we look at is this family interested in adopting or not? Because if it's a small child in the Family that their biological family had a lot of issues and they came into care through substance abuse of mental health and Families Struggle with trying to get their stuff together, we want to make sure whatever family we put this baby with is interested in adoption.
Speaker 3:Does race play a part? Well, it certainly. Allow us to consider. That is one factor that we do consider. It's not it. A black family doesn't have to adopt a black child, just like a white family doesn't have to adopt a white child. We can mix kids in different environments, racial. But we also look at the training that we take them through and we look at their home study and what they're interested in. Families often tell us they don't care or they do want a child to look like that Got you, and so when we hear that, we take that in consideration. So we want kids comfortable when we place them at home.
Speaker 2:Wow so much.
Speaker 3:And I want to add something there because it brings me to the fact that whatever household we put them in, we want that child represented so it could be something in their environment. The foster parent might go to a mixed church. The foster parent might have doctors that has a different race. The child needs to see themselves in that environment. So many studies have shown that kids that are adopted by a different race, when they are not shown themselves, they grow up in environment and they begin to almost resent the fact that they didn't see themselves.
Speaker 3:And they begin to have low self-esteem, to begin to question their identity. So we don't want that to happen. We want families that are interested in adopting kids of different races. They are willing to expose those kids to those different environments that looks like them.
Speaker 1:This is such side note, but it's in line with what you just said. Angelia Jolie, her daughter. Obviously she adopted her from Ethiopia. I think, I think.
Speaker 1:International adoption International adoption and she's so entuned into her children that her daughter goes to Spelman Wonderful I was and she's making sure she's integrated into that and you know that was. I believe that obviously that was her choice to go to a historical black school and she's supporting her because you see it on, you know, social media. She's there at the school with her and everything, and she gave her that space for her to do that, to see people that look like her. I thought that was, that was phenomenal, excellent example.
Speaker 3:It's so important that kids see themselves.
Speaker 2:So I want to pivot and ask a question what is the difference between an open adoption and a closed adoption?
Speaker 3:I'm glad you asked that question because so many people think in Virginia we have an open adoption. We actually don't. In the state of Virginia is a closed adoption. Everything is closed adoption. But what does that look like? Well, it looks like you will have a closed adoption, but adopted parents and biopants can have an agreement and their agreement could mean it could have some open agreement situations where it could be well, maybe pictures it could be, letters could be sent, but that is between the two parties. But the state of Virginia does not recognize open adoptions. It only recognize closed adoptions. So what is a closed?
Speaker 2:adoption and what's an open adoption?
Speaker 3:Well, closed. Adoption obviously is the things about the birth family and adopted family is kept confidential until that child get of age. And so of age in Virginia looks different than it did years ago. Years ago, you know, you had to be 18, and they moved it up to 21, and they kept moving it up. And they did that because of the fact that when kids got a certain age they wasn't really ready to talk to that family to get that information, because maybe there was that rejection and they wasn't ready for that. So they look at all of that and so in the state of Virginia kids have to be older now to get that information. I don't know if it's 22 or 25. But I will check for you.
Speaker 1:So, but could they get as an adult over 21,? Could they get non identifiable information? I know in my situation in the state of New Jersey they were all closed adoptions so even as an adoptee adult, I still couldn't get my original birth certificate unless my actual biological mother requested it, for my adoptive parents requested it, but as an adult adoptee, I still didn't have that right to get it.
Speaker 3:Good point. So in the state of Virginia in fact I work in my unit we have adoption worker and so he does this all the time. So what happens is when a person have been adopted and want to know information about their parents, they will contact the state and whatever city that adoption took place, then they will contact that agency In the state in the city of Hampton it is my unit that helps with that. So we have a person that actually goes, do the search, finds the parent if they are alive or not. Sometimes, unfortunately, they're not, and so he will have to contact the parent to ask the parent of the bio payer Kid do you want to hear from the child?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's what I want to know, you know do you want to talk to them?
Speaker 3:Yeah. If they say no, they have to honor that. Yeah, and they cannot disclose any information. Yeah, so that's how we do it in the state of Virginia.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we can go in New Jersey.
Speaker 3:Sounds familiar.
Speaker 2:Sounds very familiar, yeah.
Speaker 1:I could get non-identified information. Now just to preface it that the laws have changed in New Jersey since then and now I requested my actual original birth certificate. So it have changed since the time I found out that I was adopted. But all I could get from the state was non-identified information. And then what they did was reach out to my birth mother to say and they reached out to my birth mother and any siblings that's older than me to let them know that I'm looking for them and if you know were, were they interested in meeting me? And that's how that process works. But any, any child underneath me that's younger than me, they weren't. They're not contacting Only what took place prior to me coming. Those are the people who are was you know, can contact it. So that's how my story happened when I met my biological family.
Speaker 2:So mine was a little different. The adoption agency was actually on Aberdeen in Hampton.
Speaker 3:Okay, yes, but it it was closed.
Speaker 2:So I had to call up to Richmond and say I was adopted at this agency and I'm trying to start the process. And then they assigned a case manager and then they had a file that was about this thick and the case manager said she had never seen a file that thick, because normally you don't have that many notes and things. I mean it was weekly visits and information was provided about the community Wonderful.
Speaker 3:They did a good job.
Speaker 2:They did a good job. Yes, they did, and it was very like when I got it I felt like I had like this bright light in my hand Because I'm learning about myself. So it definitely was a very emotional and empowering moment just to have this information even though it was the non identifying information but just to be able to read some of your story. So I can only imagine being in the foster care If you don't know your story and where you come from. You know. You always asking, you're always trying to figure out, because I always knew that my birth family was what I was adopted from this area.
Speaker 2:So, going to Hampton, I'm walking around looking to see if I look like anybody or, you know, maybe that's somebody. Then you start conversations and you drop hints. But you know, so I my hat goes off to you for what you do, because it's such a pivotal role on both ends, because I'm sure that, as that social worker in my case was taking notes, she had no clue that 3040 years later it would have the impact. Yeah, you know. So just kudos to you on that. That's huge.
Speaker 3:Excellent, thank you. You mentioned several things. You talked about the fact that that information was so important to you. Kids in foster care when we do receive them in through CPS and we get them in foster care, whatever we know about the child, their birth family, we share that information prior to adoption. So if families that are foster parents are wanting to adopt a child in foster care, as we know the information about that child prior to them coming to care about their birth family, we share that with the, you know, with the adopter here.
Speaker 2:So here's a question in your training or in your safeguarding this whole journey, do you encourage the family to tell about the biological family information, or do you leave it to the discretion of the adoptive or foster family?
Speaker 3:Right, that's an excellent question. Most of the time is so important to share information, age appropriate and that's what we like to tell them, because you know a four or five year old can't handle certain things or they might not understand, and so when you talk about some of the dependency, some of the things that happen to them drug situation, abuse, sexual abuse, different things it has to be age appropriate.
Speaker 2:Got it Wow.
Speaker 3:So that would be the adoptive family decision as to the age and when that occurred.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I do have another question what is an entrustment?
Speaker 3:Good question. What happens is done through the courts. A family can decide that they want to entrust their child into a family and they may or may not know that family, but they usually know the family and they will go to court and they can sign a document that they will use this family and trust that they will be their parent and take care of them, and so they have to sign their rights away pretty much Okay.
Speaker 2:So because I've heard of giving up parental rights, so is that basically an extension of that or different scenario?
Speaker 3:Yes, pretty much, but it could be a little different, because we do have families that try to give up their parental rights for different reasons, so that that looks different. Okay, that's a whole other.
Speaker 1:That's a podcast, that's a whole other one, wow.
Speaker 2:So in Virginia we have you said in Virginia all adoptions are closed.
Speaker 3:Yes, all adoptions are closed adoptions and, like I said, there are cases where there's a document I can't think of the name of it, but it's like an agreement that can be done between the birth family and adopt a parent, and adopt a parent has to have read it. It's right, because they're adopting one, Right? So they have to agree to allow this to this relationship to continue. There are some pros and cons to that, okay, okay, let's talk about that.
Speaker 2:You want to talk about that Absolutely.
Speaker 3:So a pro would be. It can answer some of the adopted person's question. Where I'm from. Like you mentioned Right, it's a link with their heritage is who they are, their accessories all of that Another pro could be. I have a wider group of family members now that I can pull from or they have access to their medical information.
Speaker 1:That's important. That's important Very.
Speaker 3:There's no need to search. I know who you are. Yeah, so that's a pro to that open type of adoption. Right, but a con looks differently, right. Possible boundary issues trying to set those boundaries. You know, I'm the adopted parent, I'm the parent now. Possible unrealistic expectations? Yeah, right, maybe the child has the birth family. Things don't look like they thought they should look. Yeah, conflict and values could be another one. Okay, the adopted family had one value. The birth family have another value and those values drive what we do.
Speaker 1:Yeah so.
Speaker 3:I just kind of want to share the difference and you know there's pros and cons.
Speaker 2:So and I'm enlistening those are a lot of the things that we brought up in sharing our stories. So the catalyst for me finding out my information was when we went. My wife and I went to her first prenatal appointment and the doctor gave us these forms and said I need you to fill out your health history, or your family, and my wife's just, and I'm sitting there like I don't know what to say and she saw the hurt in my face and that's what started that journey. So something as simple as health history is so empowering.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:And a lot of people take it for granted because it's just their normalcy. But those who have a non-traditional journey in relationships and in life, you know we grasp for certain straws because we don't have, because we're denied those basic information. Yeah, so it's just so empowering.
Speaker 1:I think so too. That was really good For me. It's different because I didn't know I was adopted until I was much older, I was in my late 30s. So you know, my mom, my adopted mom, had a lot of medical complications. She had a bad heart, she was on dialysis and things of that nature. So I'm thinking I mean you know may have those same type of illnesses, because I didn't know. So I'm like, oh, I don't want you know. So I'm trying to prevent all that, based off of her medical situation and my dad's medical situation. But that's really could not be my story. You know what I'm saying, but I didn't know that time. So to me, the disadvantage for me was not knowing what my true medical history was. But you know, I was able to at least obtain some of that once I found out who my biological mother was.
Speaker 3:I'm glad you mentioned about how not not knowing can really affect you A lot of kids in foster care. When they don't know their story, they begin to make them up.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:Story Gotta have a story.
Speaker 2:And I'm sure that they create ballooned stories in that. So I have another question. I got to tell you got lots of questions. So and you may not know the stats, but I would be curious to just get your opinion on this what would you say is the likelihood of individuals going through foster care becoming a foster parent themselves?
Speaker 3:Well, wow, it's a small percentage I don't think it's a huge one from my experience but they do. They do want to become foster parents and they wanna help those who can. Some is too hurtful. They're memories and it's a trigger for them and so they choose to not do that. But I have quite a few individuals who was in foster care and they are foster parents. However, they still have to deal with those triggers because we still have to address that, and we do that through a number of ways. One way is through training. As we hear it, we talk about an address.
Speaker 3:When we do the home studies and it comes out. We ask them how are you dealing with that? And so we ask those questions. It's important.
Speaker 2:That's awesome. I was speaking with an individual who was adopted and they expressed that they would never be married, they would never have kids, and part of it, I guess, is that trauma and those triggers and things of that nature. I remember when my wife and I first got together, she was under the impression that she couldn't have kids and my mindset was well, I'm adopted, so it doesn't bother me. That was just my mindset. So I'm just always curious to know what others who have, like I said, the non-traditional journey, what their mindset is and I guess it would have to do with the trauma that you experienced and then what your walk actually was, because that shapes your lens on that.
Speaker 3:And the help that you receive resiliency a lot of kids in foster care have a lot of resiliency and so every no two children are alike, right, so they can have the same parents, grew up in the same environment, same experiences and be different how they deal with those things. And we see that in foster care. We see kids coming through our program and they come through, have a foster parent and one, work out and go off to college and do well and others may drop out and decide to go in the juvenile justice system.
Speaker 1:What's the juvenile justice system?
Speaker 3:They get into trouble with the community.
Speaker 1:Oh, she did it. She made it sound so fancy, she made it sound so fancy.
Speaker 3:Wow, and we got the S&A. They do further things.
Speaker 2:Take a higher vacation, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was like who, what program is that?
Speaker 2:You mentioned something earlier about a parental placement. What so? Can you just give a little more information on? You know what that looks like and some of the experiences of why that takes place, because we talked earlier about you know, if parents are deceased, got it boom, but then at any point cause you said they can be in this pool, so to speak, until their age 21? Well, 18. 18, 18. Okay.
Speaker 3:And if they are in a program like college or doing independent living, they can stay into our fostering futures program.
Speaker 2:Wow. So up until the child is 18, there's an opportunity for a parental placement. Okay, so would that be if a parent is, let's say, that they become sick and they know? You know what? I'm not gonna be able to care for my child and I don't have any family members, so I wanna start them in this process now. Would that be an option?
Speaker 3:Well, what normally happens is we have a program, sort of like a preventive program, and so if a parent and we have had parents that have some health issues and in particular one particular situation, I can mention that the parent had to have surgery and it was gonna be a prolonged illness for a while, so that child didn't have any family members to care for them.
Speaker 3:And so they came into fostering like a respite program for a couple of weeks while mom got herself together and we extended it because she still needed to recover. But then he didn't come into foster care. But we have programs like respite that helps the birth families, because I wanted to mention that and this is something we hadn't really talked about. I mentioned about reunification, right, how we want kids to go back, even though we are prepared for permanency. That means moving towards adoption. But what do we do with the birth families? We work with them. We try to put them into different programs if we can. That will help meet their needs, so it will better themselves. It could be a substance abuse program. It could be parenting a capacity test to make sure we have any concerns that they're getting the training and everything that they need to become better parents. Sometimes it's court order and sometimes it's not. When it's court order, that means if they don't do X, y and Z, they're not gonna get that child back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how often is it that a parent is not court ordered and they really want it.
Speaker 3:Well, usually those are the kids that are not in foster care, they're in respite programs. But the ones that are in foster care what we do is there's a service plan and the families have to. The birth families have to follow the service plan and only to get their child back. The state of Virginia also look at timing right. So kids, we don't want them in foster care forever. They're growing up every day and so when that happens we there's on a timeline right. So we're looking at 14, 15 months, by 18 months. We want kids in return to their family in a short period of time. We don't want them to grow up in foster care. Years ago, many years ago, that used to happen. Kids grew up and stayed in foster care, aged out, and they often did not get adopted. And so now we're looking at permanency. What that looks like permanency is adoption. It looks at who can we place this child with for permanency, cause you know, once you're adopted, you're still connected with your family. Family is family forever.
Speaker 2:That's right. So, when you go back to speaking about the training, do you create group training for multiple families that are in the foster or is it in their house, just them? Do you create a community?
Speaker 3:Yes, we create a community and sort of like a support group too, because they can help one another, they can pull from one another experiences. But yes, we do monthly training at the city of Hampton for our foster parents and so what we try to do they have to do 10 hours. Each foster parent has to do 10 hours a year and they get recertified every three years.
Speaker 2:So to get certified in foster parenting or To be a foster parent.
Speaker 3:It's a license through the state of Virginia that they're receiving. And so, in order to maintain that license, there is certain training requirements 10 hours a year per parent, and then every three years a recertification.
Speaker 2:So how talk to me about your journey, of how you got into this field? What if somebody's watching and they say you know what? I have a heart for trying to manage in place and get people where they need to be. What would be the journey to get to your position?
Speaker 3:Wow, good question. I think it's definitely a journey of knowing that you wanna work in the human services field, In that it's so many different areas to work in. My journey took a while. I was a teacher first.
Speaker 3:I taught in the public school system and so I started as a teacher assistant because I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I decided to do that for a while I decided to go back to school. When I went back to school I discovered while I was going that I think I wanna be a social worker. So I went to Christopher Newport and while I was there I discovered that I enjoyed the study of people, and so as I went there my journey kind of took on different forms. I went to work with tri-care. You know tri-care, military right.
Speaker 3:And so I became sort of like a trainer teacher there, and so I was teaching and training every job that I was in. And so, as a social worker, when I landed into social work because I got a degree in social work to be a social worker I realized that I really didn't like case management. There was aspects of the job I like or aspects of the job I didn't. What my gift was is to train, and so as a trainer I fit in perfectly to train foster parents, because there was an aspect of teaching and aspect of working with families.
Speaker 3:So it was a good fit for me. So I think I would tell a person that they have to go through the journey of knowing what they really wanna do, and they might not find that out until they actually started doing it.
Speaker 2:One year.
Speaker 3:I never forget this. I was working a job as a trainer for Lutheran Family Services and as a trainer, my mother was a foster parent prior to me getting a job. When I got the job and I trained my first class there, my mother looked up and she said that's your column. And so I think, as a trainer, as a social worker, because I enjoy what I do, it doesn't seem like work, you know.
Speaker 2:You're talking about jam training. That's what I do. I love to help people have that light bulb moment, and then, of course, I have a passion for this as well. So, just like you said, once you find out your why, the sky's the limit.
Speaker 3:The sky's the limit.
Speaker 2:So is there a educational process or direction that one would need to go in order to go into this field?
Speaker 3:Definitely human services, anything in that area, social work, human services, well, in psychology, but really social work, human services that will give you the foundation that you need Because even if you have a degree but it's not in social work, the fundamental basics of social work kind of give you the discussion of, give you the platform to kind of work with families right, and so you don't have to learn in a job training, you learn through school because of all the information that was given to you. So I would let them know they have to receive, they have to get a bachelor's degree in order to do what I do.
Speaker 3:You don't have to have a master's, even though I have a master's in education and training, but I didn't have to have that to do my job.
Speaker 2:Got it okay. Interesting Life bubble's going on. I like that, so, and how long have you been in the field?
Speaker 3:Well, she mentioned 20 years, but now it's been over 20 years, it's been over 25 years. I've been doing this a while. Yes, different aspects of it, but working with foster parents.
Speaker 2:Okay, what would you say has? Been your greatest reward in your 25 years Wow good question.
Speaker 3:I think this is really why I came today. It's really because I've seen the adoption process work. I have seen foster parents foster kids and adopt kids and the kids receive the permanency. That is the reward. It is such a fulfilling reward. I have had families that call me back and said we adopted and I hear about it all along that the process, but once it's done I'm so happy for them Because let me mention this that I didn't talk about the journey to foster to adopt is a difficult one because you have to guide your heart. Some kids are reunited back with their families. So if you have a baby and you want the baby to adopt, that baby may or may not be your favorite child. So that's something that I want everyone to know Guide your heart and understand. It's a journey. Adoption is a journey. Whichever way you go domestic, international or just foster to adopt it's a journey. It's not gonna be overnight. It's a process. Some adoptions can take from six months to well over almost two years.
Speaker 1:Now, do you have any, I guess, from one of your children that you placed to their success story of you know, one day we're adopted and then they graduate college, or anything of that nature that you could share?
Speaker 3:I don't know about sharing each. I could share this. Let me just say this yes to that answer. We have a lot of kids come back and they like to share their stories Not all our success stories come back because they had a connection with their worker right.
Speaker 3:So they want to talk to their worker. They want to see their worker again, and so they would like to say hey, I was adopted, so what's those two working here? She was my social worker. So those are wonderful things that they come back and let us know that they're doing well. So, yes, Good, good.
Speaker 2:So if, let's say, somebody's watching the day and they say you know what, I want to start this process, to foster, to adopt, what would be the first thing that they need to do?
Speaker 3:Of course I'm going to tell them to call me in the city of Hampton.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right.
Speaker 3:So if you call me in the city of Hampton, I will be your contact, and so you will be calling me at 757-810-649.
Speaker 1:And we'll put that on the end, we'll definitely put that up there.
Speaker 2:And since we do have people that are not just in Virginia, what is the title that they would look for to search? Let's say that they're in New Jersey, so what title would they look for? Or they just Google foster to adopt, or what would be that?
Speaker 3:start? Good question. They need to start first with their like for the city of the state of Virginia. You know we have Richmond, our Virginia Department of Social Services, and so each state have a Department of Social Services for that state, and then each county and cities have different localities and in that they can call their local city Department of Social Services and ask for their foster adopt program. I want to be a foster parent, and then we'll take you from there.
Speaker 2:Excellent. So since we are here, we're going to talk about connecting them with you. So they call you. They say I was inspired and I want to be a foster parent. What's the first thing that they have to do after they make contact with you?
Speaker 3:They're going to do a pre-spring and that means I'm going to ask them a series of questions right there on the spot Right there on the spot. Okay, and I'm going to ask them do they have time to talk to me because I have a series of questions, or would they like to call me back when they're at a place where they can talk, because some people don't know that the questions that I'm going to ask them.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:And these are simple things and some of them are very personal. Like personal things could be their income. I will ask them do they work a job? Do they have reliable income? And they give me an estimate about their annual income. What is it? Those things are important to do pre-spring. We do ask them how many siblings like, how many children do they have if they're married or not married?
Speaker 3:We do ask all of those questions. We ask do they have a place to live? How many bedrooms? Where do they live? Where do they reside? They don't have to be in the city of Hampton, okay.
Speaker 3:To be a foster parent for Hampton's social services so they could be suffocated. They could be in Newport News, so they can be in different areas. But we try to make sure they understand However far you are. You have to drive to Hampton for training. You have to bring the kids to the city of Hampton schools a lot of times, especially if we're trying to keep them connected for continuity up here right, so we want to keep them with their service providers, so those things will be less traumatic when they come into foster care Do the cities.
Speaker 1:Do you guys work together, Do your partner together, like you and Hampton, Hampton and Newport News or Suffolk.
Speaker 3:Well, the way we partner together, I would say, is that training. For example, if someone could receive training for Newport News and contact Hampton to actually become a foster parent, we can still bring them in our program. We might still take them through some training, but at least we know they have a certification. Most of the time we collaborate anyway. Especially remember I mentioned that I'm a placement locator. Sometimes other localities need placements and they will call Hampton and say hey, we have a child. Do y'all have a home?
Speaker 3:So we would collaborate that way as well. Okay, got it. Wow, but it's a process through that pre-streaming, telling them about the training programs, how long the class is, to see if they are able to give me a commitment and what that commitment level is.
Speaker 2:So, right now, with the way that the world is going, with trauma being at the forefront of everybody's mindset, do you all do anything with regards to social, emotional learning for the adults that are, like I said, in this journey in supporting the children?
Speaker 3:Wow, good question. Most of foster parents are part of our training, but they also could be part of a support group. So there are different support groups throughout the state of Virginia that they could be a part of, but at our McAllistery we don't really have a support group other than our normal training program.
Speaker 2:Okay, so if you have a group of kids that you would outsource and do recommendations and things of that nature, okay, great, wow, this has been a. We're going to have to have you back.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I love it.
Speaker 2:I have a bunch of questions and I hope, and what I'm going to encourage right now is anybody that's watching to ask your questions and what we'll do. We'll take those questions and we'll share them with you. You gave the phone number. You want to get that phone number one more time.
Speaker 3:Yes, it's 757. It is 810-649. And I also. You can get me through email, alison a-l-l-i-s-o-n dot Davidson, and that's d-a-v-i-d-s-o-n at d-s-s dot. Virginia. Spelled out dot dot. I hope to hear from you soon.
Speaker 2:I want to thank you just for coming today. It reinforced some of the things that we've talked about, just that mindset. But I think it also helped tap a whole different audience and questions, because a lot of the things that you talked about the adoption, because we were adopted, we don't know the other side of that equation. So I can't thank you enough. Thank you, this was your connect, thank you guys for having me Absolutely.
Speaker 3:Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1:I really appreciate it. What would be?
Speaker 2:your parting like words. What would you say?
Speaker 3:I would say that every child needs a home, every child wants permanency, but also they have a past, they have a future and it's important that we commit, we bring the two together, wow.
Speaker 2:That's awesome. That's powerful. Drop the mic on that one.
Speaker 1:This has been great, oh my goodness Great.
Speaker 2:I don't even want to say anything. You just cut the camera off on that. So I'm John.
Speaker 1:And I'm Lisa.
Speaker 2:And we're adopted and we want to thank you for investing your time today. And again, please, any questions that you have that she brought, that just had you thinking. Please type your questions in. She gave you the email. She gave you the phone number. Reach out to us. We definitely will have her back again. In addition, if you have any other ideas or if you yourself are a resource, please reach out to us. We have a platform that is user friendly, which means it will be shaped by you. You have the ability to help us make this the best possible platform that it can be. We are here talking about non-traditional relationships and how all individuals can have a better chance of success. So, on that note, thank you all very much.
Speaker 1:Until next time.
Speaker 2:Until next time, thank you. Thank you for listening to the so I'm Adopted podcast. We hope that this was informative and educational. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook at so I'm Adopted. Also, subscribe to our YouTube channel so I'm Adopted. And again, thank you for listening and until next time, make the choice to begin your healing journey.
