So.... I'm Adopted Podcast!
This podcast creates a space for genuine conversations about adoption, where emotions are acknowledged, journeys are reconciled, and a healthy acceptance of truths is fostered. Delve into the impact of adoption on all parties involved, gaining insights from adoptees, adoptive parents, biological parents, as well as professional psychologists and social workers. Explore the realities, reconciliation processes, and ongoing dynamics of adoption.
So.... I'm Adopted Podcast!
Embracing Our Stories: The Complex Journey of Adoption
Discovering my own adoption story felt like unearthing a hidden chapter of my life, one that explained so much yet raised countless questions. We, Lisa and John, both adoptees, invite you to traverse this complex terrain with us in our podcast, "So I'm Adopted." By bringing to light the myriad emotions and experiences surrounding adoption, we craft a narrative that extends beyond our personal revelations to encompass the diverse stories within the adoption community.
The journey of adoption is layered with love, loss, secrecy, and the quest for identity. Our conversations traverse the silent struggles of adoptive families, the heartache of foster siblings who come and go, and the poignant quest for normalcy in a life punctuated by change. With the wisdom of psychologists and social workers, we delve into the psychological impact of these dynamics, offering a beacon of hope and understanding for anyone touched by the adoption process. Our candid discussions reveal not only our own stories but also the courage it takes to confront the past and forge a path toward reconciliation and healing.
As each chapter unfolds, we peel back the veil on topics too often shrouded in silence—like the reasons some mothers keep adoptions secret and how these truths, once revealed, ripple through families. We share our personal anecdotes, such as the life-altering moment of learning about my adoption from my elderly grandmother, and stories from our guests that span the spectrum of adoptive experiences. It's through these shared narratives that we find solace, build community, and extend a hand to those still grappling with their own adoption journeys. Join us as we embrace these stories with compassion, opening the door to deeper connections and collective understanding.
Music by Curtis Rodgers IG @itsjustcurtis
Produce and Edited by Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Johnnie Underwood
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Welcome to the so I'm Adopted podcast, where we talk everything adoption. This journey is not one we take alone. Together we grapple with raw emotions that surface from adoption stories. We want you to be comfortable enough to heal, so sit back and go with us on this journey as we dive deep into adoption.
Speaker 1:Episode one. Welcome to our very first podcast episode. So I'm adopted. I'm Lisa.
Speaker 2:I'm John.
Speaker 1:And we are adopted, so we wanted to create a space for adoption. Truth we have a common bond of being adopted. Our stories are very, very different, absolutely. So. We wanted to have our conversations and allow other people to hear our conversations and also be able to share theirs as well.
Speaker 2:You know, this podcast is where we will hear adoption stories from other adoptees, adoptive parents and biological families. We will also have input from licensed professionals such as psychologists, social workers, to get a deeper understanding of this adoption journey. Hopefully, these stories and perspectives will give hope and understanding and courage to those who are adopted or are thinking about, you know, being adopted, along with the journey of acceptance, reconciliation and maintenance of being adopted. Those are going to be some of the anchors that we will highlight each time we come on this podcast. Again, I'm going to repeat that because I think those are important. As we talked about our stories and the birth of this podcast, we said well, we want to make sure we have some fundamentals that are consistent, so that acceptance, reconciliation, maintenance of being adopted those are, I guess, pillars of our journey that we've identified so far and, as we go forward, I'm sure that we will have more, but you can count that each time that we do a podcast, we'll speak to those aspects of it. So, lisa, when did you know that you were adopted?
Speaker 1:So when you would ask that I found out from my adopted dad's mother, Adopted dad's mother, so that would be your adopted grandmother. Yes, okay, all right. So this time she was about, I guess, in her late 80s.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right.
Speaker 1:And she was on that. You know she had dementia. Okay, and you know when people have dementia, no, filter. There's no filter and all truths come out, all truths.
Speaker 2:The hidden truths, the new truths, the made up truths, just truths, truths.
Speaker 1:All of it. So I think you know she wanted to talk to me for a very, very, very long time. She would always say, oh, lisa, I need to talk to you. I want to talk to you because, you know, I just want to talk to you about how you took care of your grandmother, which was my adopted mother's mother. Okay, all right, and you know when she was alive and everything, because she ended up moving in with us when I was a junior in high school, junior senior in high school, and you know she died.
Speaker 1:I said I would take her last breath and everything like that. So she wanted to, you know, talk to me about that. And I said, okay, whatever. And just to give you backstory, my parents are deceased. Okay, I thought the parents are deceased at this point. At that point, were you having a discussion? We were having this discussion? Okay, right, and I said, no problem, but we would always go over to my grandmother's house. It's like Ty's is grandmother too and Ty's is my husband, ty's is my husband. And she said something to him one day like, oh, I'm so sorry that you know, I'm spending so much time with her and I want her to come over a lot, because I remember when they brought her home from the hospital, okay, and he went er.
Speaker 2:So wait a minute. I remember when they brought her home from the hospital, but that's a common thing. Babies are come home from the hospital, so why was that alarming?
Speaker 1:And again, I can't speak for him.
Speaker 2:Right, I got you, but it was something raised up in him, something of the way she said it Okay, okay, I got it.
Speaker 1:May I got you Made his intent go.
Speaker 2:Because in normal conversation that's the progression. You have a child in the hospital but and you said earlier, with her having to mention having that truth, it may have been that leading question or that leading statement you know to kind of well. Since nobody's going to open it up, I'm going to end directly. Put it out here, and Titus picked up on it.
Speaker 1:He picked up on it and I think he slept on it for at least a day before he said something to me Before he said something to me.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Because he was like oh, I'm supposed to do this. Oh my gosh, yeah, that's a heavy burden, and this time we were building a house, so we'll live with his parents, okay. And he came in a room and he was like I got something to tell you.
Speaker 2:I was like that's a heavy conversation right there.
Speaker 1:What I said. You know, because that door in that timeframe, you know he tore the killies tendon. You know he's always doing something while we're trying to build his house Right, he's doing stuff right. And I was like what? And he told me he said you were adopted.
Speaker 2:I was like so what he drew from that statement.
Speaker 1:Wait, wait, so let me go back, All right. He said I your grandmother, I think your grandmother told me that you were adopted. Okay, All right. And I went. I said oh, we got to go to her house right now. Okay, Right now.
Speaker 2:So I got in the car. Y'all rolling.
Speaker 1:Got in the car.
Speaker 2:What's the conversation like in the car on the way over?
Speaker 1:I mean, I think I was in silence. I think it was just silence, it's process, just trying to like yeah, I was like what do you mean? Yeah, it was silence. It had. I can't remember that detail, but I know it had to be silence. Okay, who's?
Speaker 1:driving him, or you, oh, he's driving, okay, and I think I was saying you know, she's been always telling me she wanted to talk to me. So oh, we're going to talk. We're going to talk today. So, like I said, my grandmother was up in her eighties and we go in her house and she has this huge bay window and she has a recliner chair and I was like hey, grandma, she's like hey. I said we cut to the chase.
Speaker 1:You know you said that you you wanted to talk to me. Titus said you had something to say, so you know let's talk.
Speaker 2:Let's get busy.
Speaker 1:And she was like. It was like Titus was behind me and she went. Oh, I'm not going to talk to you, to you with him.
Speaker 2:I said well, that's my husband.
Speaker 1:So whatever you have to say, you could say to him, you know say around me.
Speaker 2:So she initiated this whole domino effect with him.
Speaker 1:But now that it's time to have it she doesn't okay. That dementia started to slide.
Speaker 2:Well, maybe she was in a real reality place at that point, like wait a minute, let me rethink this, right.
Speaker 1:So I said well, let's talk, because you obviously have something to say. And she looked at him and then looked at me like yeah, I'm not going to say anything with him there, and then she goes. Well, she crossed her legs and said I don't have nothing to say and then looked out the window. I said oh, ok, it's like that. Wow. I said OK, well, you just sit right there. So my dad was the oldest of 11 kids. Ok, he's from that area. So my aunt lived in the next city. So I said well, you hold that child. I made a beeline to my aunt's house.
Speaker 2:Oh, you left and went there. You didn't call, you just went there?
Speaker 1:Oh no, I just went there OK.
Speaker 2:All right, oh, I'm just.
Speaker 1:Unannounced? Oh yeah, because we can go to our you know my family's house. We just go whenever we made a beeline over there. So I have something to ask you and I need you to give me the truth. We sat down on her couch. She was here, titus was here, and I said am I a copter man? She took the deepest breath, she went.
Speaker 2:Yes, I went yes, I went, fuck, oh my goodness. So in that moment you had the emotional release for her, but you went on a totally different reality check.
Speaker 1:Yes, Because then I kind of collected myself and I have a brother, so I asked the same question for him and she took that deep breath again and said yes, I went all over.
Speaker 2:So your brother biological, or both of you were adopted with the perception that y'all were biological, biological.
Speaker 1:OK, got it. Yes, yes, and we did that. We thought we were because he was light-skinned. I'm dark-skinned, my dad is dark-skinned, with light brown eyes. I'm dark-skinned, with light brown eyes. My brother is light-skinned. My mother was light-skinned. Ok, all right, it can happen. It can happen. No big deal, right? So I start freaking out. I'm like so my whole life is a lie. I'm like this is not. I'm not this person. This is somebody else's life. This is not my life. I instantly got angry.
Speaker 2:Who were you angry at?
Speaker 1:My adoptive parents and, to be specific, my adoptive mother. Why your mother? Because she kind of put you couldn't ask for a better mother, you could not ask for. I could not have asked for a better mother. And it's like she put my brother and I up on a pedestal. There is nothing that we could not have gotten in our life. Mind you, we weren't spoiled kids. We got within reason. We got so we were loved. We were loved. We were very much loved. And she just to know her and for her to keep that piece of information from me I was like, well, how dare she? Who gives her that right To do that right? At that moment that's how I felt.
Speaker 1:And my mom was a very strong-willed person. She was from Trinidad and I mean she loved everybody. There was not a stranger she ever met. Everybody knew her, everybody loved her. We had just growing up. The people in our school system, in our neighborhood, our friends would come to our house with us, not even being there, just so they can eat her food and talk to her. You know what I'm saying? My teachers I would always have to bring food in for them. My account teacher was a diabetic. She would make diabetic treats for her. Yeah, cheesecake, homemade cheesecake, she'd go free.
Speaker 2:Back then she would make sugar free. It makes sugar free? Nothing, not in the days.
Speaker 1:I mean from scratch, even this crust. She was known for her cooking in the area and that was just who she was. And I mean she would take care of everybody, from babies, you name it. That was who she was, that was her ministry. And she loved kids, she loved young adults. That was her ministry. And so for her not to, I guess, speak her truth to me, I was angry. But after her story was told to me me being a mother, I was gonna ask being a mother did that alter your view of the story.
Speaker 1:It did 100% Okay. I understood where she was coming from and why she didn't tell us.
Speaker 2:So when you found out this conversation, you weren't a mother at that time.
Speaker 1:Oh, I was. I was very much. I was 39 years old. Oh, I should have led with that. That's okay. I was 39 when.
Speaker 2:I All right. So you were 39 and you had kids, three kids. You had three kids at that point, three kids at that point. And so now I'm visualizing you have had your family, your sense of normalcy, you've started routines and patterns with your kids, and then to hear well, what I grew up with, as in your words, is a lie. Yes, that can be earth-shattering. I can definitely, yes, definitely understand what you're saying and never go.
Speaker 1:Yes, and because the way she treated me, who does that In my mind? Who would do the things that she has done for me but leave this really important piece of information of who I am out? But I mean, like I said, I understood once I found out, because there's no way she would be able to bear even a thought of me even thinking about saying, oh, I wonder who my mother is. She had told me, you know, early in my childhood or something of that nature, and she had, even if I just not that I would ever like leave her. I mean, I had a good life, but for her this is my thought, because I know how she was If she had, even if I had an indication of just wondering or the same wondering and saying, well, I'm going to go look for or, you know, can you give me more information? That would have devastated her.
Speaker 2:So let me ask this question In you finding out and the way, like you said, she put you all on a pedestal, did you question her authenticity, with how she treated you and how she loved you? Was that part of your emotional?
Speaker 1:That wasn't part, that wasn't a part of my emotional aspect of it, because I, just because she was just so given and, mind you, outside of adopting us, she also, we also have foster kids in our house, okay so, you grew up with foster kids in the house, but from your belief, you were the biological yes, okay.
Speaker 2:did you ever ask how do we get to the point that we have foster? Well, the other question let me back up were the foster children younger than you all or older? It was a mixture Mixed so that was just the routine, that was just a routine.
Speaker 1:Okay, that was a routine and yeah, it was just a mixture and some of them would come in and out. They'll go back to their mom, but sometimes they'll come back and it was really normally the same ones that would come back and forth and the social worker would come over, but no one had. It was never. Well, clearly they're not gonna talk in front of us.
Speaker 2:They're probably right, right.
Speaker 1:But because now I'm like, oh, my man was only at the house, but I just assumed he was always there with the foster kids. You know what I'm saying? And I didn't notice, like, well, why do we have foster kids? And no one ever talked about adoption? He was always foster kids, but no one ever mentioned adoption.
Speaker 2:So it's interesting that separation of adoption, foster kids and society. Unfortunately, foster kids sometimes gets that negative connotation of viewpoint. It does, and it's just the way society puts these labels on. But it's very interesting being in the house and seeing it. It was just a sense of that normalcy and that love. It's the issue offered to everybody that you just embraced it as part of our ecosystem and that's how we grew up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and me being her daughter, I did that. You know I love them, just like you know she loved them and we treated them just. She treated them just like she would treat us to a certain degree. But you know they were in and out, but Did you keep in contact with any of them or know any of them, their names and stuff? Not really, it was one. So when we so, we lived in one part of New Jersey at one point, and my earliest recollection is when we moved to the area that we grew up in, I was three, okay, so my brother is three years older than me, so they adopted him first, clearly, and when he was an infant, then they had a foster kid, but the foster kid was much older than my brother, and then I came, then they got me, so you all were the first three. Yes, okay, gotcha. So, and then once we moved into the new area, then that's when the other foster kid started coming, but the first foster kid, he was the constant one. He never left.
Speaker 2:Okay, so y'all grew up with him in the house.
Speaker 1:Yes, like technically, I didn't know at first that he was a foster kid until I was old enough to understand that his last name wasn't our last name. And then I was like, you know, I think at that point I was like well, why is he not adopted?
Speaker 2:Did he know that he was a foster?
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, because, like I said, my brother came first, then the foster brother came, even though he was older than him, and then I came, okay, so he had already started that moving in different places yes because I think the foster kid came from a abusive situation where we used to live Okay right.
Speaker 1:So he was never adopted, because it could be that the mother never really gave him up or whatever, I'm not quite sure. But he was always constant. He was like my brother and that was her heart. And unfortunately, oh my God, it's like the Ballad Pantry School Baby. I was in middle school and when he went to the military right after high school, same year he died in a Navy. Oh, wow. Yet something was wrong with his heart and they didn't detect it when he did his physical. They really didn't even start doing PT either and, yeah, and I think she died from a broken heart from him years before that, because that was her heart and I don't know his whole entire story, but I know he had a difficult childhood, so he was maybe 10 years older than me, something like that.
Speaker 2:So did he have any other family, or you don't know?
Speaker 1:I have no idea. So when he died, obviously they were still, he was 18, but everything he signed everything to my mom. Okay gotcha so, and that was a devastating day too.
Speaker 2:So now you are with this reality that you're sitting with Auntie who's dropped the bomb. She gives the big sigh and you are trying to regulate your emotions. Once you come back to, what do you do, what do you say?
Speaker 1:So me being the person I am, I need to know what happened before November 30th. Okay, november 30th is my birthday. Okay, all right. So what did? How did my birth? What led up to my birth? Well, I think you know what led up to my birth. Well, I know but Nine months prior to Nine months prior to I don't.
Speaker 1:are you a teenager? Yeah, are you you know? Was it you rate? Right, you are an adult, who, and you know how did y'all come together? Were y'all in love? What was it? What was the story here? Right? So, based off of what my auntie had told me, was that based on what she knew? Because my mother told them that she wasn't gonna tell us, she said they're my kids and that's all they need to know, right? So no one, when I say no one, opened their mouth.
Speaker 2:They respected what she asked, the one she said.
Speaker 1:Even to her dad Wow.
Speaker 2:Except for grandma, except for grandma, but Well no, even grandma said I ain't got nothing to say.
Speaker 1:But but grandma started the process, started the process, but she started knowing that she was, she was slipping, so she had that little blame it on that. She could blame it on that, I don't know. Okay, I don't know. And because from what my eyes said when they addressed her with it, she's like I don't remember saying that. Okay, right, so that was my mindset, you know, trying to really figure out how did, how did I come about? And after I've accepted and understood and forgave her, even though she had been gone Right.
Speaker 1:I still had to forgive her.
Speaker 2:I can't remember how long was that duration of you finding and then being able to forgive.
Speaker 1:Maybe a couple of months.
Speaker 2:Okay. Why did you feel like it was a need to forgive her?
Speaker 1:Because you got people who grudges, because I understood why she did what she did, with you being a mother, with me being a mother, okay, and you know, from what has been told to me, she's, you know, she had tried and tried. I mean, they were, they were married for years before we even came on the scene. So she's a, she's a good. She was like 39. Okay, when she adopted me. Hmm, she was so. So she, she tried, they try. And when I understand she would, you know, ask my dad, you know, let's adopt because she really loved, you know, children. And then I guess he probably said okay, and so they adopted my brother three years prior to me and then me. So I know she probably went through some struggles. I can't say whether she, you know, if she even had miscarriages or anything like that. I don't know that.
Speaker 2:You just know that they weren't able to concede yes, okay.
Speaker 1:And they were married for years by the time they decided to do that.
Speaker 2:So go through the process, you forgive, and then now, how do you? What did that look like in your process of forgiving? Like because she's not here in the physical state. So how did you regulate your emotions to get to that point to be able to forgive? Because there are a lot of questions that you weren't able to get answered.
Speaker 1:There was a lot of questions that I wasn't be able to get answered, but as soon as I know, it sounds very simple, but it is simple. I was a mother, that's it. I said, oh, I did it.
Speaker 2:Wow, that's beautiful, you know, and it may be. That's why you're supposed to find out when you found out, because, as you find out, before you had kids maybe you would have held that grudge and not been able to get it.
Speaker 1:From that viewpoint, I got it.
Speaker 2:So, since we're talking about like when you found out, what was your conversation like with the kids? When did they find out about the adoption?
Speaker 1:So this was years and years later.
Speaker 2:So you held it.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, we never told them. Okay, I processed it. I was still figuring out. Okay, how do I find out information, knowing that the state in New Jersey you know adult adoptees can't get their birth certificates? Those are sealed. That's by law in the state of New Jersey. So, okay, I knew I couldn't get that. However, I had a friend.
Speaker 2:I was got a friend.
Speaker 1:And she's a private investigator in New Jersey that I went to high school with, and I don't know how I knew that, but it was I found out. I don't know. So I said, okay, let me reach out to her because let me just preface this I thought I was bought on the black market.
Speaker 2:So why did you go directly to that?
Speaker 1:Because? So both my parents, without the parents, died in the same year, six months to the day of each other. Okay, so they moved to New Jersey, then they moved to Virginia. You thought they wanted to run.
Speaker 2:No, no, no.
Speaker 1:So, before they died, okay, the early day. So we moved all of their stuff. I mean, I had everything. So my mom, she was, her kidneys were failing, she was on dialysis and she said she wanted to come home. She wanted to come home to Virginia, okay, right. So my dad sold the house. He stayed up there to sell the house, we brought her down, but we didn't realize that she wanted to come home to Virginia because she felt this was her home, but she wanted to come home to die because this is where she ended up dying. She was only with me for two weeks and my dad's been taking care of her forever. I got up for two weeks and, yeah, that was devastating enough, right? So I say that to say is I had everything, documents. My mom, like I said, she was from Trinidad, so I had all her naturalization paperwork.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:I had I think she did a couple of classes at HU or somewhere here. My dad's Norfolk State Information is Graves is when he worked for the CNO and how much they pay for the house in New Jersey. The receipt you got everything. You name it, I have it. Social Security numbers, birth certificates, everything. I have all documents but you don't have any documentation about it Boom.
Speaker 2:Maybe she got rid of it.
Speaker 1:So. But the thing is, if for some reason say, they did my dad, when I say my dad kept everything, he kept everything. So in your mind.
Speaker 2:As you're moving everything like I'm going to find something that's going to give me the answer.
Speaker 1:No, I didn't know at that time.
Speaker 2:That's right. You didn't know, I didn't know.
Speaker 1:I didn't know at the time that they died. Okay, and I was saying that because I had all this paperwork stuff that who would have, who would have that right? But my dad was very meticulous. He kept everything, and just imagine if I ran into some adoption papers then, wow, just imagine.
Speaker 2:So now you're having to deal with the grief of watching her in that process and regulate this newfound truth of who you are and where you come from.
Speaker 1:Grief of both of them. Because I didn't start looking, I didn't start going through his stuff until after he died, nine months later. So they both died on my watch, right? So I didn't know all that. So I said that to say is that I didn't see anything in those documents, right? So I get my friend to go ahead, and you know, this is normal facts. No email is back there. My facts are all the information. I said look, I don't want anybody to know, but I was adopted.
Speaker 2:So did you have a level of shame with that?
Speaker 1:I did At first. I did because no one knew the neighborhood that I grew up in. No one knew because when we came in I was already three, gotcha, you know, and no, like I said, we look like a record family. So no one knew. So I said just keep it to yourself, I don't want anybody to know, but I'm trying to. You know, I was adopted. Blow and I go down a host field. I said these are, they're social security numbers, this is mine, they're full name level. I just saw this. See what you can find Facts it right and I let her do what she's going to do. I never took the stuff off the facts. The paper was on the facts. Who found it? So the kids found it.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:I'm up in my room laying in my bed and all of a sudden these three critics are coming in right.
Speaker 2:How old are they at this age, oh man?
Speaker 1:Jasmine was in middle school. Yeah, maya was at elementary and TC. I think he was still at pre-K or something like that. So they run upstairs and they have the paper in their hand and I'm laying on the bed and they go is this true? Is this true? And I'm like yes, and they start crying.
Speaker 2:Because now it's repeating. Well, if that's true, what's my story? And they're crying.
Speaker 1:so Jasmine was a little bit more composed and she was like what are y'all crying for? Because they're like, this is not they start going oh, they're not our odds and this and that, and they're going down and she's like what are y'all crying for? Y'all know y'all parents, you know my parents, right? It's like all the moms are one who's adopted, right? Not us, right, not y'all.
Speaker 2:But they, they did what I did right, I was about to say history repeating.
Speaker 1:So you know, they were like what, what's going on? So you know, kind of I had to tell them a story boy. There was, they were devastated. Wow, they were, they were really devastated. But when I Address my aunts like you know, why didn't you tell us, tell me, or whatever, and you know they at that time they've known for 39 years. So they was like, oh yeah, we didn't know, we won't say anything, she won't come back and hold us Right, and because the thing is, everybody knew I didn't know at the funeral of my mom, so my mom died first and Me go up there, you know yeah, you give your respects and speak and speak, say all this stuff and just one line that I said the whole entire Church gas, because the whole, everybody else knew but us.
Speaker 1:Because I said you know, she's loved the young people, she loved children and she only gave birth to two. Oh, you had, wow you pinpointed that one.
Speaker 2:Wow, and you?
Speaker 1:heard the gas? I didn't. I didn't hear gas. This is what my mother-in-law told me.
Speaker 2:Okay, did she picked up one like hmm, so did your mother-in-law know.
Speaker 1:Everybody knew okay, when I say everybody but you and Titus, of course cuz, and we don't understand how that happened because he has siblings and they knew it. It's crazy. I don't get it either, but pretty much everybody knew and I married the one person who didn't know. Go figure, right, but God does things to where he does it. So, you know, when I said that, so they were like, yeah, we weren't gone, you know.
Speaker 2:So they went on with their lives like oh you know, yeah, okay, now you know, let's move on.
Speaker 1:Pump the brakes.
Speaker 2:Uh-huh, it don't work that way for me. Well, you angry because they kept the secret.
Speaker 1:Well, I can't get mad at them Because I know how my mom was with them and the influence she had on them. They would do anything for her Because of the things that she's done for them. So I I'm not mad at them. I'm not. I'm not mad at anybody. I just don't understand how no one slipped. I just don't understand how no one slipped, and I mean, some people did Slip it away, but at that time it didn't, but it didn't register. It didn't register. Like Mike, I was playing on the swing set with my cousins at my aunt's house one day and he's like well, that's why you're adopted. So I ran in crying to my aunt's, just like he don't know what he's talking about. Go on back out there and play.
Speaker 2:Didn't ever say yes or no.
Speaker 1:Didn't say yes or no, so hindsight is 2020, so when I found out, I was about to all these different Situations start flooding back in my head. That's why they said that.
Speaker 1:That's why they said oh, that's why she, she didn't say nothing. Then why did she say when I came home from high school, when they said are you adopted? And I'm like nobody adopted Because, again, my brother was three years older than me, he's light skin, I'm dark skin, our last name is very unique, right? So they're like you're, you're His sister, everything, yeah, you adopted. I go home, tell her the story and she's like this is what we have for dinner.
Speaker 2:It's not open in that can Wow. So you went from a place of you know, accepting that that's where you were. And then you had the reconciliation, because you said you came to terms with forgiving her because you were a mom. So, after the forgiveness, and now your kids find out in a parallel way, like you did, you know how? How did you like? Just continue with life? What was your perception, self perception of where you were, knowing this new truth?
Speaker 1:That I wasn't that person. I wasn't that person that everybody thought I was right. Like, let's go back to my aunts. So in my family they always come to me for organizing family functions. That's what I do. Well, I said, mind you, I told you my dad was the oldest of 11 kids. So just imagine, I got tons and tons about nieces, I mean cousins. It's a lot of y'all, it's a lot of us. But you come to me, the adopted one, I'm like, oh, I'm not doing anymore.
Speaker 2:Oh, you dig me a little bit Like oh yeah, I'm good.
Speaker 1:I'm not doing it. No, I'm not doing it. So I stopped doing all that stuff because they just went on with life like it was no big deal, because they've been used to it for 39 years. This is new to me, it's a new truth, it's a new truth for me. But it wasn't, it wasn't nothing for them. You know what I'm saying. So then, certain things that have happened in the family, then I'm like, oh, you know, but it was no big deal to them. But kind of in the back of my head, deep, deep, deep, deep down inside, I mean, something was off, but I could never put my finger on it. You know what I'm saying. Deep, deep, deep, deep down inside. And once I was face to face with then everything.
Speaker 2:That was the missing piece of the puzzle.
Speaker 1:That was the missing piece of the puzzle.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah, that that journey of finding that out in that reality check. But I applaud you being able to regulate your emotions and then come to terms, forgive and then repeat that same cycle with your kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Knowing that it bothered you so much that you weren't told from the beginning. Because in listening to how you began the story in my head I'm like, okay, so now we're going home, let's tell the kids. But you were still processing it and trying to deal with it.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I and like you were saying at first, like you were kind of ashamed, I was, I was kind of ashamed and I didn't want to blow up my kids life.
Speaker 2:Okay. So because that shame, you don't want to pass that on to them, right? Okay, so you didn't share because you weren't at for lack of better words a healthy place with it. You still had a negative connotation with it. Okay, that's a very motherly decision.
Speaker 1:Yes, Because I'm a mother. That's right. That's right. That's awesome, yeah. So I was protective. I was in that protective mode. I had to first understand what was going on and, like you said, process it and, you know, come to an acceptance of it.
Speaker 2:So let me ask this, for because everybody finds out with adoption in different ways, your story is definitely a very, very isolated one for you. That's your journey. What would you say to other people that may not be in that place, where they just found out they're trying to regulate, that might not have children? They might have children. You know. What would you say to them? What?
Speaker 1:how could you encourage them? I mean, what I would say is you have to go. It's like a grieving process. You know it's stages. Yes, when you first find out, you're going to really feel that anger, that unwantedness. You know why did this happen to me? You know you're going to go through that. I don't care who you are, you're going to go to that at some point or another. Whether you're younger or older, at some point in your life you're going to ask that question and that's okay. You have to go through it in order for you to be able to get to the point that you're an acceptance of it, that you recognize what took place and realize that nothing happens by mistake.
Speaker 2:I think that's why you know this platform is so important, because when you hear about adoption stories, normally you hear the foster care and the horror stories that go along with it. But what happens for those who get the information and then are left out there just to still navigate?
Speaker 1:life, how do you recover, how do you maintain from a healthy and holistic standpoint? That's a good question. I mean, I didn't experience that myself, but I think that, again, it's going to be a journey, that you have to come to an acceptance of it and then try to take whatever good you can from it. Right, because God makes no mistakes and we all are born not by mistake. So whatever good you can find from it, because you just don't know. You may think your journey is horrible, but what would have been your real journey if you stayed in that life? Your other journey, your other journey. You know what I'm saying? It could have been worse.
Speaker 2:Correct. You could have been aborted. You could have been, you know, birthed and then left out somewhere else and died, you know.
Speaker 1:But you're still here to even feel the pain of it. You're still here to speak about it, whether good, bad or different. You're still here to where you still have the opportunity to change it for something, to help someone else, because I believe that our testimonies are not for us, they're for other people.
Speaker 2:And I also believe that this is where the benefit of a licensed professional because this is what we come to learn now is trauma.
Speaker 2:It's a level, it's a form of trauma it is, and unfortunately in our community, you know we try and sweep it under the rug and oh, I'm going to deal with it. But it may be beneficial for you at some point maybe not at the beginning, when you first find out, but at some point speak to somebody who is not vested, who didn't keep the secret, who is not finding out with you, that's able to look at it from a larger lens and help you organize your thoughts and then help you with that journey for a full. Yeah, that's awesome. Thank you for sharing your truths of how you found out you were adopted.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, that's awesome. I look forward to hearing how you found out how you were adopted.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I will definitely share my story of when I found out. When did I, you know, first find out? I was adopted. I was a little, I was younger than you, so I had a different vantage point. You know, like I said, yours is very isolated to your journey, but even listening to it, I gleaned certain things from it and as I'm as you're talking, I'm like, well, how would I have responded if what would have been my emotion? You know, so I'm. I think it's always that comparison, because it's a commonality in this adoption umbrella that we carry, absolutely so it's. I think that's why testimonies are so important, because you can draw strength from other people and then just to find out that you're not the only person.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:That's huge, because when you think that you're the only person on that island, it can be a lonely, dark, hurtful place. So hopefully this platform will be where we can help others share their story, in addition to help others walk through their journey, you know find your troops, walk in your troops and then grow from them and then build a community of support.
Speaker 1:That sounds like a great idea and I mean that's that's so true. I mean it's really their only. Everybody has a community and that's a community that we really need to focus on. And you know, foster kids, you know, and adopted kids, they're all kind of in that same vein. It's just, unfortunately, the foster kids don't get that opportunity to, you know, get into a family that an adoptive child would.
Speaker 2:So. So the other piece of it is because you are, the child went through the adoption. There's a different side, the biological family that the adoptee lives with. They have a story and a vantage point, but then also, what about the biological family that gave up the child for?
Speaker 1:adoption Exactly, you know.
Speaker 2:So it's so many different lenses, and I think that this is a step in the right direction and we're just excited about the potential of this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know I'm peeling the layers just to understand the whole perspective of that adoptive journey is going to be what we want to share, because everyone has a reason for doing what they do. Everybody has a why. Everybody has a why and the why's at that time the decisions are made are, you know, from what I you know, normally what you hear is the biological mom, you know, want something better for their, for their kid, you know, because they couldn't do it themselves, or they don't want them to be in the same situation that they're in. And then again there's other ones that other people control the whole situation and they don't have a say in it. So that's going to be interesting to hear those different types of stories. But everyone has a journey, everybody has a story and hopefully someone can get courage, someone can get hope out of the stories and see their lives in a different perspective and that our lives aren't in vain.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Well, this has been our first, very first podcast of so I'm Adopted. I'm John, I'm Lisa, and this is how she found out she was adopted.
Speaker 1:She was adopted until our next episode. We'll see you then Bye.
